Russia (obviously)

I don’t think I want to go if it means going like last year.

Because it made me feel like I was more special than I am. I felt like everyone should know me and talk to me and pay attention to me, Russians and Americans.

When the Americans got there, I felt somehow more than them. I knew Russian. I knew the Russians. I knew their lives and their fights and their senses of humor. I could translate and help clear up questions we’ve always had. I was simultaneously an American and a Russian. Better.

And I never would have said it, or even thought it coherently. Of course. But that’s just the reality of it.

And really, before the team came, I didn’t do anything worthwhile. I sensed this when I left and it bothered me, so I let other people tell me otherwise and I felt better. But it’s true. I really didn’t do anything except expect them to love me. Because I love them. But why would they love me? What did I do all summer? What did I do for them? Did they even understand why I was there? Of course not. I didn’t tell them.

I couldn’t do anything for the orphans. (They didn’t listen to me)

I couldn’t make anyone’s life easier. (All I could give them was my time)

I couldn’t share any wisdom with them. (I didn’t speak the language 9/10 of the time)

I was unable to find a niche of ministry. (All of the above reasons)



I know God wanted me there last summer. I know I obeyed, listened, learned. I don’t regret a minute of it. But I deeply question repeating it.

Sasha’s email to Kent made me realize some things. What Sasha wrote about Kent embodies our goal as a mission team. THAT is the kind of relationship we go there for. Spend money for. Leave our homes and families for. Struggle for. Sacrifice for. Pray for. Really, give our selves for.

I think it was my third trip when I finally let down that wall, and allowed myself to painfully love them. Unconditionally, with my whole self, without common sense. And I wrote in my prayer journal that afternoon, “It’s going to hurt to love these little kids. If I really start to care about their hearts, then go back home and not know if they’re ok, or be a part of their lives, it’s going to be really painful.” And I took that step with God.

God and I, we care a lot about the people of the Caucuses and the Russians living in their land. It’s a broad love, but it’s not abstract, it’s grounded in faces and stories and families I actually have friendships with.

But I don’t know what the hell to do with that.

Because they don’t talk to me like Sasha talks to Kent. I have not made that sort of an impact on them -- the kind of impact that changes entire generations and entire family dynamics. The kind of impact that shapes a culture.

And I’m not saying it was out of Kent’s power that he made that impact on Sasha and Nadya. It was totally God, because I’ve talked to Kent, and I’ve talked to God, and I know both of them personally. Kent just said what God put on his tongue, which is true discipleship and is wonderful to watch unfold.

But God hasn’t chosen to use me like that in Russia yet.

And at the end of the email, when Sasha asked Kent to “tell Jordan ‘We love you,’” it made me wonder what sort of relationship I have with the people of Karachaevsk.

I have not been used by God in the ways I want to be, or think I should be, or any of that. I just love those people and have had five opportunities of a lifetime to go be with them. It is absolutely true that I will continue to have that opportunity at my fingertips through Fellowship, which is incredible. And I don’t think I can NOT take that opportunity. But I’m just questioning why.

Why has God not used me to make an eternal impact on people who can so easily be impacted by American believers, after five trips? What exactly do I expect from my trips there, anyway?

I’m so frustrated that I have no tangible way of helping them. I can’t solve their financial problems. I can’t offer them pastoral counseling to solve their relational issues. I am not a teacher, a videographer, a pastor, a counselor, or anything else that allows me to use my vocation as a ministry in Russia.

So why do I continue to go?

I know I can help at family camp by teaching the kids. But I’ve been to five of them, and still I have not made the impact that I pray I will make. What Sasha wrote in that email.

I feel a call and a hunger for long-term ministry. I feel a pull towards that part of the world. But why, Lord?

I will not assume the Russians and Karachai want me to go again.

I will not assume I am helping them in any way by being there.

I will not assume I am going next summer, for any length of time, no matter how much my heart wants to.

I will not assume my trips to Russia are or are not responsible stewardship of God’s Kingdom resources.

I will not assume that the opportunity equals a calling.

I will not even assume that my emotional compulsion to GO equals a calling.




I’ve been really shaken up the past year and a half at Belmont, studying my faith and my Lord academically. I’m not sure anymore exactly what “missions” is. I’m not sure what my vocation is going to be. I’m not sure where I camp out on a lot of theological issues. There are few things I have landed on with any assurance.

And so now, like my convictions, I’m just going to strip this whole Russia thing down to the bones. I’m going to stop assuming. I’ve been building my ideas of what Russia has been in my life since I was 15, and not a whole lot of it is built on actual foundations. I.e., I have no reason to think I have impacted those people, even though they have made a world of difference to me.


And maybe that’s all the Lord wants it to be. Maybe it was just meant to grow me. Maybe the calling I feel is in my head or emotions. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a missionary.

I just don’t know.

I know God is.

I know I have a huge love for mission work and for Russia particularly.

But I need a lot of wisdom from God and Godly people to figure out what all of this means. It would kill me to watch the team go in July and not be with them, but I’m willing to do whatever my Commissioner is asking me to. If he’s asking me to invest somewhere else, and reevaluate my motives, thoughts, feelings, directions, goals for Russia...I will.

I miss them a lot, and I love them a lot, but they deserve to have missionaries come who can really impact and aid them. Maybe my spot can be better filled by someone like that.