Idle and Blessed

What will happen when I mess this up? When I’m at the front of the room, and my hands are sweating, voice is shaking, messing up? What will happen when they find out I don’t belong here, that anyone else would be better, because anyone else would at least be able to stand up here and speak, as normal humans do, without the shaking, tenseness, tasting of fear? What might happen is I might be humiliated. Embarrassed. Unable to show my face again. Which means I directed my entire adult life toward something at which I’m an utter failure.  I think people will be disappointed in me. I will surely be found an imposter. People will realize I’m not worthy of their time, and they will ask me to leave, or they will leave me behind. They will see the redness on my face, the stiffness of my body, the shaking of my arms, and realize: this person is not capable of being here. They will sit quietly as the sides of their mouths curl up into a polite smile and they'll think, "poor gir...

Heart pounding in my ears Skipping LOUD then skip, then  POUND then skip, then Lungs not filling Air too thin Oh no, is this it? Sweat pouring down my chest My hands My feet My armpits, my back Too hot out here A blanket over my head The air all used up Spots in my eyes And blurry And narrow I blink and I blink Is this my imagination? Is it fear? Migraine? I can’t see the periphery My skin is crawling I am spiraling I will die No What can I see? Can I hear? Nothing At first, then  There’s a bird there And there, and I see a branch Root, leaf Hear the water Smell, taste, feel? Wind, a bug Footsteps quick Each one sounds different Rocky, then Crunching, then Crashing, and I’m hitting earth here Now and  Now and  Now Solid Good Solid, is good Can I feel the air? It’s on my legs Oh, my arms My face Good I feel weak Ok I feel scared Ok I fee...