Idle and Blessed

The last days of the semester and the prospect of upcoming finals week are kicking my behind. Oh how I want to be home, in my room, under the covers, watching The OC for days on end... 3 classes, 2 exams, 1 paper, 1 project to go. I'll try not to curl up in the fetal position anywhere on campus. This Christmas break better be so amazing, because I'm going to need a lot of amazingness to get the tension out of my shoulders that has been stuck there permanently since August. So David and Larry are going to Karachaevsk in January to facilitate some conflict resolution and leadership training. Do you realize how difficult it is going to be for me to NOT pull a Harriet the Spy mission and get on that plane?? I guess the hiccup would come later, when trying to get past the impenetrable Russian immigration lines without being seen...I'm trying to think like Harriet and find a way around that. Because I really want to see my families. I keep having dreams that I'm with them, bu...

Ok, so it's been about 5 years since I blogged. Of course, this is the result of my insane school and work schedules...which, thankfully, come to an end on Tuesday. Until January. But anyway, since I have at various times bashed Belmont's School of Religion, Facebook, America, and a whole slew of other things on my blog, I'd like to take a moment and un-bash. What follows are ideas I owe to Micah, Kent, Steve, and other wise people. :) First of all, you should know that my Sophomore year has been horrible thus far. I hear it comes with the whole second year territory, but especially as a religion student I find myself facing things with a lot of cynicism. Spending last summer in Russia probably didn't help that, because coming back from a foreign country almost always means some sort of disdain for American life. But really, I do not blame anything or anyone for it; I just think it's a stage I'm going through. I don't think it's just me (is it?). I'm...

Well, I did the unthinkable. I deactivated my facebook account. God has been hinting at me about it for quite a while, but this week the hinting got pretty noticeable. :) Facebook has always frustrated me because it brings out a lack of self control in me. I am just not one of those people who can self-regulate on it. I literally got on there every time I opened my computer. And every time I looked at my phone. And every time I didn't want to do homework. And every time I was bored. I talked to two different people, randomly, about how they deleted their accounts. And I started noticing what I was doing every time I logged in. Looking at pictures of that girl who got pregnant in the 10th grade, and who now lives in Kentucky? Reading blurbs from the mind of that perpetually drunk frat boy who asked me out one time freshman year? Keeping up with events my friends are going to that I'm not? It just seems a little pointless when I look at it that way. There are some really useful p...

I don’t think I want to go if it means going like last year. Because it made me feel like I was more special than I am. I felt like everyone should know me and talk to me and pay attention to me, Russians and Americans. When the Americans got there, I felt somehow more than them. I knew Russian. I knew the Russians. I knew their lives and their fights and their senses of humor. I could translate and help clear up questions we’ve always had. I was simultaneously an American and a Russian. Better. And I never would have said it, or even thought it coherently. Of course. But that’s just the reality of it. And really, before the team came, I didn’t do anything worthwhile. I sensed this when I left and it bothered me, so I let other people tell me otherwise and I felt better. But it’s true. I really didn’t do anything except expect them to love me. Because I love them. But why would they love me? What did I do all summer? What did I do for them? Did they even understand why I was there? Of ...

It's Justice and Missions Week at Belmont. Aka: a week of inspiration, conviction, questioning, cynicism, hope, defiance, intrigue, and passion. About missions. About justice. About the "least of these," about the globe, about our lives and dreams and commitments; how we change the world, how we love people, how we follow Jesus. Many things have stuck out to me so far this week as I've listened in on the various conversations. "Staying is the new going." "Committing to a place is as radical for Americans in 2010 as crossing the globe was in 1960." "If we aren't doing 'justice' at home, we have no business doing it abroad." "What does your heart break for?" "People committed to justice and missions have a defiant hope ." "There's a real danger in short term mission trips." "'Causes' diminish the humanity of the poor." "Being a person who truly cares about individuals suff...

I got three emails from Russia this morning, and they made my day! Everyone's doing fine. Basic news: Apparently Malish, Din and Inna's cat, is all grown up and misses me. :) Rusik and Vitalik started first grade, are learning to read and write, and are having a hard time with it. Slavik sent pictures of them all dressed up going to school, and they are the CUTEST things I've ever seen!! Karina is, as always, doing great in school. The chickens have started laying eggs. And the fixing-up in the church post-fire is going well, not too much work. I realized I still haven't really blogged about what God has done in me as a result of my time there this summer. I guess I keep waiting until I figure things out, until have something coherent to say, but that time isn't coming. So in this post, I will just type some random snippets of my heart as I reflect on those two months. It's never going to completely make sense to me, I don't think, and it's never going t...

I've been thinking lately about what it is to be a student of religion. I know I'm just an undergrad, but I have a pretty heavy School of Religion course load this semester, and it has become quite a journey... Because focusing academically on my God, on His Word, and on our experiences of Him, is an intensely personal matter. In this way I think religion just might be the most difficult "subject" of study available. Your life is made and broken on these things. "Whatever comes to mind when we think about God is the most important thing about us...we tend by a secret law of the soul to move toward our mental image of God." - A.W. Tozer And what I talk about and listen to and come to rest on while navigating my education shapes my mental image of God. I realize how malleable I am. I think my professors realize it too, but they certainly aren't any more hesitant to introduce crazy ideas to me. Making me read Plato, Tillich, Heidegger, Feminist theologians,...

The fact that I am blogging two days in a row is an indication that I have been blessed with free time. A very rare thing, that's for sure! Classes are going exceptionally well this semester. I adore my three religion classes (and those gen-eds are just gen-eds...you know). But I was thinking today in Johannine Literature that it might not really matter to me if the prologue in John was pieced together by various editors. It might not make a difference in my mind who wrote the Johannine Epistles. Maybe I don't even care about applying literary and historical criticism to John. It occurred to me that I don't really want to know all these things. Two reasons. One, I want mystery. Don't we all? I want to know that God, the incomprehensible and "wholly other" YHWH is beyond me. I want to say to myself, "I will find out when I ask my Jesus in heaven." To come to terms with every Biblical or Theological issue would take a lot of mystery away for me. And t...

Hey there, blogging world. Yes, I am still alive, although nearly buried alive in this thing called "sophomore year." I'm not sure how it happened, but all of the sudden all my classes are upper-level, I have two jobs, and am trying to keep some semblance of a social life. I'm pretty sure I've never been this busy before. BUT God is still God, there is still hope, and I'm sure I'll find balance sooner or later. I've been thinking about my Russian family nearly nonstop lately. Ok, it's not really just "lately" because I've been thinking about them since I started to get to know them in June. But I guess there was a little bit of a distraction period when I first moved back to Belmont. Plus, there's only so much the average college kid wants to hear about my time in Russia, so I haven't been talking too much about it here. My roommate reached her threshold about Day 2. I've been internally processing a lot. The news I recei...

"So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God, but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." -1 Thessalonians 2:8 I have this problem with charity. It all started when opened The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne on the Aeroflot plane from Moscow to Mineralnye Vody. (This book was recommended to me by a wonderful friend, and I in turn suggest it to you.) But anyway, I'll admit these thought are not fully mine, as they originate for me in Claiborne's book, and his life really. But I think charity is like a hermit crab shell without a hermit crab in it. You know? What is charity for? Usually in Western culture, charity organizations are big groups of people who sell t-shirts and mugs and mouse pads with their logo on them, advertising some great cause like "solving world hunger" or "fixing the world water problem" or "converting teen moms to Christianity."...

доброе утро! Really missing Nadya and Tanya today. I want to make borsh with Nadya in her kitchen, and talk about everything that comes to mind. We always did talk about the most random things. Thinking back, I'm not sure how I actually understood enough Russian to talk about communism, family problems, working, life, etc. It must have been the Holy Spirit enabling me to understand her, because I definitely was never close to fluent... And speaking of Russian, I miss Tanya teaching me. It won't work out for me to take Russian at Belmont this semester, so I'm searching for other ways to study. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know. It's not so easy to teach myself! It's hard to believe my summer is a week and a few days from being over. It was well spent, I think, and I packed a lot of life into it. But now I have to transition into school mode? 8 am Greek all year? Ew. And getting back into college life is making me realize how much my mindset has changed since...

It is proving to be a lot harder than I thought to articulate my feelings, thoughts, experiences, heartbreaks, inspirations, and emotions. There's something about a mission trip that stirs you up in ways you have to struggle to understand. There's something about a two month mission trip that stirs you up in ways you cannot even begin to process. The two weeks post-Russia have never been easy for me, but in some ways this time is harder. Because I can't think about my trip in one sweeping thought. I cannot reduce it to one theme. I cannot say "This is what God showed me!" because He showed me a lot more than I can tell you in a couple paragraphs. I lived life there. God took me through a few different spiritual seasons there. How can I even express it in my own heart, let alone to people who weren't there? And so you all might have to be patient with me. I'm finding myself unmotivated to meet with all my friends and "talk about Russia" because I ...

...but such is the Christian life. Hello dear friends! I am finally, finally home. Well, my American home. I'm a half a world away from my other one. And I've come to realize this unsettling feeling of being pulled to the other side of the globe no matter which side of it I'm on...is grace. It's grace because it pushes me to realize I will never be HOME until I get to heaven. It's grace because it makes me long for the day when I won't have to miss people anymore. It makes me long to be present with the Lord (and His people) and away from the body. It gives me an increasingly eternal perspective. But it also hurts. I'm not even close to having processed any of my summer, but I do know it's going to be painful as I do. There are some ways in which I don't think I'll ever be able to process the past two months of my life. And I don't have anything profound to share with you yet. I know the Lord will begin to reveal to me more of what He is and ...

I have actually kind of enjoyed having such limited internet access lately. It forces me to focus on where I am. (But unfortunately, the lack of pictures doesn't help YOU focus on where I am...sorry! :) ) Thanks to those of you who are taking the time to comment! I appreciate the connection to the outside world. Sheesh, I appreciate any connection at this stage of the game. But I'm communicating more than ever before with the people here, and although that's still not as much as I would like, it's good. Nadya, Sasha, Tanya, and Slavik are amazing for putting the time and effort into talking to me. And because of it I really feel like I finally have deeper friendships here... (So, Family Camp Team, when you see those people next week, please give them a high five or a "best communicators to the poor American girl" award.) This week has been like one of those dreams where you are trying to run but your feet aren't moving. Like running through mud, I would im...

I'll be home two weeks from now. I'm still partly longing for home and partly longing to stay here...although the exact ratio between the two varies minute by minute. I'm just really lonely. Being an infant language wise and a nineteen year old in every other respect is strange. I want to have deep conversations, I want to connect deeply, but all I can do is speak in phrases like "I want to sleep," "Jesus is my Savior," "Please give me more coffee," etc. Maybe this is what being an adult stuck in a toddler's body is like. Oh wait, that doesn't happen. There might be a reason for that. So lately, on the days when Nadya is home and not working, I just corner her and tell her I want to talk. We clean the house, make food, wash clothes, whatever. But we talk. It helps a little bit. She is very encouraging, always telling me how well I'm doing. But it's hard to be patient with myself. I feel like a month and a half should be plenty o...

It seems like 2 years since I last posted! I don't even remember what day that was. Hmm. But I am currently back at Sasha, Nadya, Ruvim, and Vitalik's. For those of you who know them, you know how blessed I am to have such a sweet host family. I know I say that about all of my families, but it's so true. I wish I could stay with all of them at the same time, actually. Another reason to long for heaven! But since they have a very poor internet connection, I'll be updating my blog and reading emails a little less than when I was with Din and Inna, who are now in Teberda at the teen camp. They left me a key, though, so I can come here and feet Malish (the crazy cat), blog, etc. I have lots of homes here. :) Ok, so I moved on Saturday. Then on Sunday after church I went with Dinis to Min Vody to pick up...AMERICANS!!! I had never met them before, but I was still really excited. They are from a church in Georgia who has been sending teams for teen camps about as long as Fell...

Hello all. I'd like to start by thanking Mom, Kent, and Cory for the funniest comments on a blog post to date. I agree that I should stash a goat somewhere at Belmont. It seems very environmentally friendly to drink milk from my own goat. So let's see...Thursday morning Dinislam was like "Hey, why don't we take you to Kislovodsk today." Of course, I had planned on going Friday, but I'm no longer surprised by the changes in my plans. :) So I packed up and we drove the 2 hours from Karachaevsk to Kislovodsk. There Din handed me over to Arkady, a sweet friend of ours I met at camp in 2006. We went and rented me a one room appartment, where I journaled and prayed and read my Bible most of the day. It was so fun to be independent for a day. I made my own food on the tiny stove, watched some Russian news on the tv, and just spent time communing with the Lord. It was a breath of fresh air. That night Arkady, his wife Tonya, his daughter Erina, and I spent a couple ho...

So today, bright and early, we set out on the great adventure of STAVROPOL. Too bad all I saw of the city was the one big store we went to. Like I said, God's working on that whole "I like to make plans and envision them in my head and stick to them" thing in me. But regardless of my slight disappointment at not experiencing the city, it was a good day. Dinislam, Inna, and I spent about 5 hours shopping in this ginormous store called "Metro." It's kind of like Walmart plus Sam's Club minus a lot of American things. But peanut butter? Yes. Russian chocolate to bring home for the fam? Yes. A movie in Russian so I can keep hearing it when I get home? Yes. Plus we got most of the food for the Teen Camp next week, which is A LOT. I'm sure gas mileage was significantly lower on the way home. There was probably 40 pounds of food back there... Oh, and a few things I just had to take pictures of. This one is for Mom: Yep, it says House. Actually, "Doctor...

Yesterday, on my birthday, we went to a restaurant for dinner. We ate here - a little cabin thing on the Kuban river. Beautiful. And we took a bunch of pictures. This is Inna and her daughter Lianna, who turns 6 this month. So blessed to spend my birthday with these sweet people. This picture is really dark, but if you look closely you can see my JELLO CAKE with candles flopping everywhere, and Robert who thinks it belongs to him... My card from Venera. It says something like "Today is your birthday...I hope you get everything you dream of...etc." Something like that. Ok, this one is off topic but I want to show you anyway. This is what we do in Sunday School -- go outside and try to keep them busy. This week was crazier than most because there were like 35 kids under 12. There's a shortage of teachers, so we've been combining the age groups. I think they could use some structure, but until then, we just play. Here is what the Lord has been encouraging me with the pas...