Idle and Blessed

Hail the heav'n-born Prince of Peace! Hail the Son of Righteousness! Light and life to all He brings Ris'n with healing in His wings Mild He lays His glory by Born that man no more may die Born to raise the sons of earth Born to give them second birth Hark! The herald angels sing "Glory to the newborn King!" It's my favorite carol this year. Born to raise the sons of Earth! Born to give them second birth! Knee bent before us, offering a life together more abundant than any dream we might treasure. Confession: I still treasure some. I'm listening to London by Brandon Heath. I think I'm kicking and screaming in this London, fighting to be with my King and not injure myself running from Him. There's so much conflict. This I should expect, because the closer I lean into my King the more His enemy will hate me. But "Denial seems to be the word that makes it all go away." I deny because I am so worried about protecting myself and protecting others,...

I am a pretty princess. I am always extraordinary. I am captivating. I am lovely. I will be rescued by a handsome prince. I am pursued by the Lord. My emotions matter. I have a beauty to unveil that is all my own. My heart is a mirror of God's. I have wounds from the Evil One, the villain, and they matter. He wounds me because he fears me. I have an irreplaceable role to play in a great adventure. I have a motherly, nurturing soul. I am in repair. I am called to heal others. My King is enthralled by my beauty. I am feminine -- the crown of creation, the image of an intimate, relational, passionate, captivating God. The eyes of His heart are ever upon me. I was intended to allure the world to God. Satan hates me because I am beautiful. He fell because of his beauty and his revenge is to assault it -- in the world (fires, global warming, oil spills, pollution, CAFOs...) and in me. Satan hates me because I giv...

I am officially a second semester freshman! Half way done with my freshman year. 1/8 of the way to graduation (well probably not, with the way my four year plan is being thrown out the window, but still). I can't believe how swiftly time flies. I feel like Welcome Week was just the other week, with the exhausting schedule and insane ice breakers and Tower Teams making us feel like fifth graders at camp. As a side note, let me just say that college is a rip-off. This textbook price thing is a straight up terrorist plot to steal the money of innocent young adults. I quite like it here. I'm getting accustomed to the little indie girls and the guys who have better fashion sense than me. I think they're very cute and nice. Plus, free music everywhere. I think this artsiness is evening me out considerably, encouraging me to care less about my letter grade and more about my personal growth. I have changed so much. No more four/five year plans. No more obsession about grades. No mo...

...because I can't focus. I am a journaling, praying, Bible-reading, emailing, researching machine! I am a freedom fighter! A conquistador! On expedition for the Kingdom! Mom, if you're reading this, we'll talk about Russia when I come home. I'm 110% sure the Lord is calling me to spend this summer in Karachaevsk. Actually, more than this summer, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. God has been pursuing me and providing for me and blessing me more than ever. On Thursday He gave me a vision for spreading the Gospel to the two orphanages in K, working with the church's Sunday School, teaching English to whoever wants to learn. On Saturday I talked to Dinislam about it, and he was thrilled. He thinks there's plenty I could do over there. Viktor suggested I not drop out of school just yet :) So summer. I've emailed Wendy, Michelle, Kent, Walter and Natasja, PVS International, Brian, and Joel. I've talked to David, Lori, Anne, Viktor, Dinislam, ...

I can't even express everything I want to express tonight. It's too much and my brain is too fragile to do it justice. I know very few things for sure, but here's one of them: I am being called to Russia. No, I mean long-term. Kaleomai eis diakonian. And I've never felt more passionate about anything.

You would think the New Moon premier would be crowded with a bunch of middle school fantasy nerds dressed as vampires. Actually it was a bunch of college kids, young adults, and adults...not dressed as vampires. Well, a few were. And there was a werewolf. My favorite thing about it was my t-shirt scrawled with "TEAM JACOB" in sharpie, made by yours truly 10 minutes before we left the dorm. But walking around the theater with such a t-shirt was dangerous, and I overheard more than one argument between Team Jacob-ers and Team Edward-ers. I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I heard, "See, SHE'S Team Jacob!" like that proved a point or something. I'm surprised fights weren't breaking out. We were a group divided. Michelle and I: Jacob. Rachel and Sarah: Edward. And Tori just thought it was funny. Here's my theory: Team Edward people love the fairy tale. The perfection, the enchantment, the drama. They are holding out for the one heavenly man they...

So I remember being in Russia and sitting on my horribly gross and rock-solid bed and thinking about how dangerous it is to form attachments to people. At least for me it is. Because there's a point at which I usually stop and evaluate and think to myself: it's worth it, right? That day in Russia I decided it was worth it to love those kids, but I told God it would hurt. How am I going to ever stop going back? It's not doing my bank account any favors. But I can't stop it, I want to see those little faces. I miss them. But those days happen all the time. I form attachments to all kinds of people. If Tori, Anna, or Madison were no longer in my life, I would probably go into mourning for a few years or become a nun. It's the same with countless others, though less severe probably. I've set up people like little beams under me, and they're there to support the whole operation. Problem is, they aren't very sturdy and the One who's building everything som...

Epiphany after epiphany this weekend. I guess I can't take credit for them, really, since they all surfaced during my road trip to see Madison in Virginia this weekend with Tori and Anna. You know how spending three days with your best friends is never uneventful? Yeah. It's okay to be honest with God. It's okay to tell Him exactly what's going on inside of you (not a better version), because He knows it already. He is the perfect father. The perfect lover. The perfect friend. Being honest with the ones I love can actually make those relationships better. I spend so much time censoring myself to save people's feelings that at the end of the day I feel unauthentic. Speaking my hurts, annoyances, and inner frustrations is really helpful, not harmful, even if they may hurt the other person. I guess people say this all the time, but I never really thought it was true. People SAY to tell them the truth, but they don't really mean it, do they? Turns out, if they truly...

One of my earliest memorable convictions about who I wanted to become surfaced when I was around 7. I remember laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, and promising myself I would be someone special. I wouldn’t be like those teenagers I knew. I would be a people person, sunny, devoted to the Lord, mature. It was a mental picture, not put into words, but I felt strong enough to remember it to this day. Convictions like this one were common throughout my adolescence, but the frustrating thing is how they never culminate or resolve. At every stage of life my answers to the question “Who do I want to be?” simply evolve into something new. Am I the person I promised myself I’d be when I was 7? I don’t think I am, completely. I don’t think I ever will be, on this earth, and maybe that’s what frustrates me. Because I like goals, I like measuring and accomplishing them, and I like reaching what I strive for. I like steps and checklists. But this idea of who I want to become is a not ...

I must admit, I shouldn't be blogging right now. I should be translating my impossible Greek sentences, reading some essays, writing an essay, reading The Bhagavad Gita, or starting a research paper. Hmm. Nope. Not happening. What should I tell you about today? The boy in writing class who reminds me of Ryan from The O.C.? My advising meeting today where I chose my spring classes? The dilemma over whose car to take to Virginia this weekend? I know. I'll talk about why my blog is named what it is. The first few weeks of this semester at Belmont held the annual humanities symposium. Apparently it's a big deal, and lots of speakers come and hold convos that students grudgingly attend, usually just because they need convo credit. But anyway, Mary Oliver came to campus this fall, and the fact that I'd never heard of her didn't stop me from going simply to experience what all the buzz was about. For weeks beforehand my teachers read her poems aloud in class like she was G...

This is for Tori. Herman, the stray dog that showed up at her house this morning, was her "one major blessing for today." She's not an animal lover, and neither am I, but she loves Herman, and for some reason believes God gave her Herman today. Better her than me. On a commercial break during Gossip Girl tonight she said she thinks God gives us one major blessing every day. A good parking spot. A class cancelled (two today, for me). Five bucks in the pocket of your winter coat. It could be anything. Even a stray dog, theoretically, if that's your thing... I don't really think God has a "one a day" system going per se, but her comment made me think about how often we notice God's little gifts to us. When I have just enough soymilk for my last bowl of rice chex, do I notice God blessing me? When a car accident is avoided in front of me, do I praise God for it? When my favorite TV shows happen to be running marathons on Saturdays when I have nothing to ...

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. - Genesis 1:26-27 What we believe about ourselves shapes the way we live our lives. What I believe about myself shapes the way I live my life. Above all other belief systems in my life, what I believe about my beginning, purpose, and destiny shapes how I live. When Lloyd said that at church today I was taken aback. Shouldn't he say that what I believe about God shapes how I live more than my other beliefs do? Or my beliefs about knowledge, or morals, or values or something? Nope. Well, this message was written for me. Turns out so was Genesis 1, because it gets even better. Lloyd went on to say that you can go plenty of other places to find o...

I have to admit I am not fun to live with. I am easily frustrated by people. But for living in the same room with two other girls for the past 4 and a half months, I think I've been doing exceptionally well. I mean, I've never, like, gone on a murder rampage or anything. I think my roomies might actually like me. But I haven't liked them the past two days. Michelle and I are both pretty strong-willed, and when she wants to watch So You Think You Can Dance and I want to watch Tabitha's Salon Takeover, staring contests and whocanstandtaller competitions ensue. (True story) Yes, we are mostly joking about our little tiffs. But they're really starting to get to me, and her ways of singing after midnight, keeping lights on all night, and yelling at me to wake up in the morning are not as cute anymore. Oh, and she makes a mess. Thank God for Rachel. Seriously, she has taken my usual place as peacekeeper. But I sure did get annoyed with her talking to her boyfriend so long...

I need a day. Just a day, to sit down on my extra long twin mattress, with my Bible and my thoughts and my journal. Because I'm so out of touch with myself and the lessons God is teaching me. Life runs hard and fast and I lose track of the hours too easily. When I'm walking across the quad and the wind kicks up, when the leaves flutter and fall, I can feel my Jesus. I'm so grateful for that, because I'm coming out of a time of silence from the Lord, and feeling Him say "I love you" makes breathing easier. Doesn't He know I need to hear Him say "I love you?" Doesn't He know I need to hear Him say "You're beloved, you're beautiful, I am enthralled by you?" Of course He does, and He said those things before I was born - He left them for me in the Bible. My own love letter. God does that a lot: He provides before anything is needed. Anna said yesterday "God is the perfect father." When we talked about what that means, ...