Is Un-Bashing a Word?

Ok, so it's been about 5 years since I blogged. Of course, this is the result of my insane school and work schedules...which, thankfully, come to an end on Tuesday. Until January.

But anyway, since I have at various times bashed Belmont's School of Religion, Facebook, America, and a whole slew of other things on my blog, I'd like to take a moment and un-bash. What follows are ideas I owe to Micah, Kent, Steve, and other wise people. :)

First of all, you should know that my Sophomore year has been horrible thus far. I hear it comes with the whole second year territory, but especially as a religion student I find myself facing things with a lot of cynicism. Spending last summer in Russia probably didn't help that, because coming back from a foreign country almost always means some sort of disdain for American life. But really, I do not blame anything or anyone for it; I just think it's a stage I'm going through.

I don't think it's just me (is it?). I'm thinking it's probably a pretty common thing to experience in college. The confusion about truth, the breaking down of certain paradigms you've operated on your whole life, rejecting the black and white, dualistic, right and wrong mentality (which presents its own set of problems in studying Theology, let me tell you). And then there are the "who is God/who in the world am I/who am I called to be" questions. The questions about how to understand the past, how to operate today, how to move forward into the future. I think higher education does a great job of getting you to ask a ridiculous amount of questions and then telling you there are almost no "real" answers to them, which in turn creates some very disillusioned students.

It's strange, because this stage of life is when we have the greatest desire, vision, and (access to) resources to actually be dynamic people, to change societies and solve problems and love people actively. And yet, it can also be the first time in life when we have to recreate ourselves internally, feel tied down to academia, and wrestle with life's biggest questions. If we are not careful, we can become very isolated, self-absorbed, depressed people, I think. It's a shame.

There are ways to do this whole college thing well, and to do it poorly. I've been doing it pretty poorly, even with the best intentions of doing it well. For one, I have let the busyness and uncertainty and demands run over me. I wish I would have gone through this semester remembering that I am the bride of Christ, and I have no more reasons to feel defeated. I hope I can come back in the Spring with the knowledge that it is ok to wrestle and to have my foundation broken. I've beaten myself up over that, and it's not even such a horrible thing. Yes, there are some things I need to be sure about as a Christian (and really as a human, I suppose), and it would be good to have a firm foundation again one of these days. But I'm learning that it's not bad to let God create that foundation in you Himself, and over time. What's so horrible about being unsure of things, anyway? I admire a whole lot of people who have let their uncertainty change some unfortunate widely held beliefs.

Besides, if we're honest about our uncertainly, people will like being around us more.

One of the things I most hate about Christianity is how we often hold onto untrue or hurtful ideas in the name of commitment. We have historically been willing to do almost anything to protect our conception of things, including unChristlike things like kill and fight and say mean words. And then, later on, when we realize the ideas we were protecting were either untrue or able to protect themselves, we have to apologize and look silly and hypocritical. The crusades, for instance.

I wonder if God is satisfied with us simply being devoted to Him and letting our lives be changed because we take that seriously. I wonder if maybe He never wanted us to violently protect the truth, because He can protect it just fine. If so, the fact that I am uncertain about the truth oftentimes does not really bother me so much. Something is still true, and I'm able to trust in the God big enough to take care of things for me.

But I didn't mean to go on and on. I just intended to say that my cynicism about everything is not necessarily because they're bad, but because I'm on a terrifying search to find the good, and not much is turning out to be good anymore. Welcome to life on fallen planet earth.

But as I finish this semester, I am grateful for the School of Religion. I have had the privilege of sitting among some brilliant people, trying with me to be faithful to Christ. I've learned so much wisdom from Dr. Byrd, Dr. Guthrie, Dr. Gwaltney, and all the rest. I want to be like them someday.

And as for Facebook and America, we all know they are not without fault. Ha. Currently, though, I'm a member of both, and surely I cannot blame them for whatever sins I see in myself. Facebook is ok in moderation, which is becoming easier as I work at it, and America is ok in moderation too...hence, my occasional trips outside of it. :) But really, there are some really great things about America and some really nasty things that we can all be putting our heads together thinking of ways to change.

Maybe my current streak of optimism (by current, I mean this week) is due to the fact that my classes are almost over, or that I have only one more paper to write, or that Christmas music is playing everywhere...I don't know. Hopefully it's a sign that my cynical stage is turning into an "ok with uncertainty/resting on God/beyond simple answers and into changing what I can" stage.

We'll see.