Grace
"I've been thinking about grace a lot. And writing about that. I guess because imperfection bothers me, and I'm realizing just how short we come of measuring up. All of us, even in normal, everyday interactions."
Dr. Curtis just nods his head, in that way of his, with his eyes closed and his small frame sinking into the couch cushions. If the vagueness of my ramblings ever occurs to him, he doesn't acknowledge it. I don't really think acknowledging vagueness is possible for him. He just nods, like everything makes sense, everything is worth feeling, everything resonates with him.
I'm aware of how blessed I am to have professors like Ben Curtis. Professors who see me as a person and not a number, who know me well enough to have me in their office for conversations like this. Who remember what graduate schools I'm looking at and what my major is. Who offer their advice when I ask and suggest books I need to read.
People say there are two sides to every story. I've never been able to see two. I either see one (mine) or a million. Most days, in this stage of my life, I'm seeing a million. (That's what writing religion papers does to you.) But my point is that I see a million different sides to the Belmont School of Religion - liberal, faith-destroying, vague, void of ministry, questioning, educational, helpful, personal, gentle, open. Wonderful. Horrible. Ungrounded. Searching.
It's true that most of my friends here have "lost their faith" (which is...debateable...but you know what I mean), or seen their faith radically transformed. For a Christian university, this place sure does turn out a whole lot of non-Christians. Non-Christians and Christians who have absolutely no grounding or trust in the Scriptures, which is scary since a lot of us enter seminary or church ministry immediately after graduating.
But on the other hand, I am grateful for this place because it has made me wander. It has made me leave the fundamentalist place I was and venture out into the world and into, I hope, truer ideas about God.
In short, Belmont allows us the grace to be and the space to become.
I never feel like a failure here. I never feel like I'm being forced to be somewhere other than where I am. I always feel like I'm allowed to believe what I do, say what I want, feel what I feel, know what I know.
This is not a formational school. The School of Religion, I mean. Belmont as a whole is, especially (for me) University Ministries -- but the School of Religion encourages deformation. For most people that is a damaging process. For me it has been damaging. But in God's great mercy and providence I believe that's exactly what needed to happen to me here.
I needed to be allowed to wander and discover and be independent about it. It could have ended badly, and I suppose it still can. Who knows what's around the corner. But I needed to see some things that are invisible to the one who is always sure of their convictions. God is real and faithful, and he's not letting me go; it's a "controlled crash" as I've heard it described. He is using all things for our good. And I have so many wise people over me in my life that I feel able to lean on them in my "controlled crash" and come out on the other side.
Theologically, I'm not very far today from where I was before Belmont. I rest on much the same beliefs. But I have different reasons for believing them, I see other sides, I appreciate other sides, I understand other people better. I feel like my faith in God is more authentic and raw and unpretentious.
And that's why I've been thinking about grace a lot lately. Because I realize my ability to wander from God, to believe wrong ideas about him, to choose things other than him. I realize how fallen I am and how rebellious and independent and exclusive and unforgiving. And I know more than ever that I just need grace to cover me like a blanket. To fill my lungs and hold my cells together and open my eyes each morning. God's grace is one of the biggest realities in the universe, sustaining us and blessing us and lavishing us out of love. His love is a banner over us. And I need the love and grace that made the first man Adam come alive, I need them to funnel me towards life and not death. Without them I most certainly choose death, every time. Without them religious education would destroy me. But it hasn't, it isn't, it won't.
And all of it is because of the grace of God.
What has his grace done for you?
Dr. Curtis just nods his head, in that way of his, with his eyes closed and his small frame sinking into the couch cushions. If the vagueness of my ramblings ever occurs to him, he doesn't acknowledge it. I don't really think acknowledging vagueness is possible for him. He just nods, like everything makes sense, everything is worth feeling, everything resonates with him.
I'm aware of how blessed I am to have professors like Ben Curtis. Professors who see me as a person and not a number, who know me well enough to have me in their office for conversations like this. Who remember what graduate schools I'm looking at and what my major is. Who offer their advice when I ask and suggest books I need to read.
People say there are two sides to every story. I've never been able to see two. I either see one (mine) or a million. Most days, in this stage of my life, I'm seeing a million. (That's what writing religion papers does to you.) But my point is that I see a million different sides to the Belmont School of Religion - liberal, faith-destroying, vague, void of ministry, questioning, educational, helpful, personal, gentle, open. Wonderful. Horrible. Ungrounded. Searching.
It's true that most of my friends here have "lost their faith" (which is...debateable...but you know what I mean), or seen their faith radically transformed. For a Christian university, this place sure does turn out a whole lot of non-Christians. Non-Christians and Christians who have absolutely no grounding or trust in the Scriptures, which is scary since a lot of us enter seminary or church ministry immediately after graduating.
But on the other hand, I am grateful for this place because it has made me wander. It has made me leave the fundamentalist place I was and venture out into the world and into, I hope, truer ideas about God.
In short, Belmont allows us the grace to be and the space to become.
I never feel like a failure here. I never feel like I'm being forced to be somewhere other than where I am. I always feel like I'm allowed to believe what I do, say what I want, feel what I feel, know what I know.
This is not a formational school. The School of Religion, I mean. Belmont as a whole is, especially (for me) University Ministries -- but the School of Religion encourages deformation. For most people that is a damaging process. For me it has been damaging. But in God's great mercy and providence I believe that's exactly what needed to happen to me here.
I needed to be allowed to wander and discover and be independent about it. It could have ended badly, and I suppose it still can. Who knows what's around the corner. But I needed to see some things that are invisible to the one who is always sure of their convictions. God is real and faithful, and he's not letting me go; it's a "controlled crash" as I've heard it described. He is using all things for our good. And I have so many wise people over me in my life that I feel able to lean on them in my "controlled crash" and come out on the other side.
Theologically, I'm not very far today from where I was before Belmont. I rest on much the same beliefs. But I have different reasons for believing them, I see other sides, I appreciate other sides, I understand other people better. I feel like my faith in God is more authentic and raw and unpretentious.
And that's why I've been thinking about grace a lot lately. Because I realize my ability to wander from God, to believe wrong ideas about him, to choose things other than him. I realize how fallen I am and how rebellious and independent and exclusive and unforgiving. And I know more than ever that I just need grace to cover me like a blanket. To fill my lungs and hold my cells together and open my eyes each morning. God's grace is one of the biggest realities in the universe, sustaining us and blessing us and lavishing us out of love. His love is a banner over us. And I need the love and grace that made the first man Adam come alive, I need them to funnel me towards life and not death. Without them I most certainly choose death, every time. Without them religious education would destroy me. But it hasn't, it isn't, it won't.
And all of it is because of the grace of God.
What has his grace done for you?
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