Do Not Fear

Nothing I was afraid of beforehand actually happened. The day before I left, Kelsey came to see me at work and I told her I was afraid I wouldn't remember Russian, and I wouldn't be able to see Sasha and Nadya or Slavik and Tanya. I told her I was afraid of spending too much time with the Americans out of fear of breaking out of my comfort zone. I was freaking out about not running for 10 days because I have more triathlons this season. 

And you know what she said? Or rather, what God said through her lips, because he has been screaming it throughout this whole journey?

It's not about you. 

Praise God for friends who say that to me. Oh, praise him. 

At least 5 Russians independently of each other told me my Russian had improved since last year. 

I saw both my families and all their kids. I gave them all a hundred hugs and even got to spend hours at a time with Nadya. Karina stayed till Friday and cried on my lap that night, and when I asked her why she said, "Я просто люблю тебя." I just love you. 

I spent almost no time with only Americans. Our travel and time in Moscow was it. And as far as the running thing, I think I'll be ok. I ran a half marathon a couple months ago, and I feel like I can undo 10 days if I can do that. And after all, its not about me. 

Rarely do the things I'm afraid of really warrant my fear. Most of the time it's the things we're oblivious to that do the most damage. Take up mountain biking for proof of that. 

And for as many times as Jesus said "do not fear," for as many times as it's recorded in scripture, you'd think we would be better about it. In a lot of ways God takes away fear from me in regards to Russia. I'm never afraid of traveling alone there, of being that far from home, of living in that dangerous region which is on the government's "do not travel" list. Im not a person of fear. I do not have a spirit of fear. I usually play the part of the enthusiast. My motto in this season is from The Rocket Summer lyrics, "I don't wanna be one of those who stares at all the questions while the open doors they close. I just wanna get out there. So with a humble heart, teach me some lessons. Show me to do my part in the place you have me standing."

But it's the little things that slip in, you know? Little things like maybe I won't remember how to say anything in Russian, or maybe certain kids wont be at camp and they'll grow up before I get to see them again. 

But God is a lot more faithful than we know. And if I trust him and abandon fear in the big things, why not in the small things too? He came through for me in the small things this year. And I'm writing it down here and I'm testifying to it, hoping I'll fear less next time. 

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