Freely Bound
Two summers ago I volunteered at the Storyline Conference hosted by Belmont. It was awesome for a lot of reasons, including free peanut M&M's in the greenroom and conversations with Don Miller over salads. But also because I got to go through Storyline and chart my life story, which is something that has continued to impact how I make decisions and view the plot line of my life.
You know how characters in movies always have a backstory that lends a theme to their existence? It's usually a little oversimplified really. Bella in Twilight is lonely. Danielle in Ever After is mistreated. Robin Hood is communist. (Oh, or libertarian? Wait, what?) Anyway. In the Storyline binder you can make a timeline of your backstory, and notice the overarching theme of your life.
In 2012 the moments I plotted on my timeline were different than the ones I would plot today. My life theme is different. That alone is an interesting point, a testament to the dynamism of our self-understanding and the power of perspective. Because a lot changes between the ages of 19 and 22.
And a lot will change between 22 and 55. But I think it's ok to claim my experience, to claim my identities and roles and trajectories. Today as a 22 year old human I pay attention to my life theme even as it shifts and morphs into the themes of future tomorrows. It helps me make sense of where I've come from and where I'm going, put God and myself in our proper places in the universe, and make decisions out of those places.
In 2012 my life theme was "Life is Found in Giving Life Away." And I think there is a lot of truth to that, for me personally and for other people. Most of the big experiences that have shaped me were the result of giving my time and self to other people. Mainly, in going to Russia and living into their reality. Immersing myself in the culture, language, problems, joys, and sufferings of those people. I have never felt more alive and free than I felt with them, and it's not because of magic, or because they are any more special than Americans. It's not because I did anything amazing to help them and feel good about myself - quite the opposite actually. It's because I was living into their reality instead of my own, living for them and with them instead of for myself. And the times here at home when I have done that, in college or ethics campaigns or church ministries, the same thing has always happened. I have found more fullness of life in the giving.
But there have been more than a few big twists and turns in my plot line the past two years and my theme has turned along with it. I still find life in the giving, but it means something different to me now.
All my life I have wanted to be independent. Free. It has manifested in both good ways and bad (lots of bad). I like to be my own rule maker which is just plain annoying to people, because if something isn't my idea it can be hard to get me on board. I react by pushing back when any sort of demand is placed on me, and I tend not to care what people think as long as I can be independent. It's a problem. I know.
But what I have realized is that giving life away is really just one way of saying giving up my autonomy for someone else. It's letting other people place demands on me, demands where I have an obligation to them instead of being free from them. Instead of asserting my freedom over/against others, it's asserting my free choice to be tied in the bonds of relationship to them. It is a paradox: I feel more free, more alive, the more bound I am to other people. The fullness of life is found in being freely connected to others.
Moving toward freedom means moving toward other people. I cannot be free for myself, independent, alone, autonomous, and be full of life. That is a lie I tend to believe (the same one the serpent told in Eden), but the theme of my life tells me otherwise.
I haven't been to Russia in two years. Some days it feels like ten. I miss it a lot, and I pray often about going back. In Russia I learned how to take responsibility for a group of people I had no obligation to. God pushed me into this really difficult relationship with people I was choosing to love, without any bond of family, nationality, language, or even friendship at first. And I was surprised to find not less freedom, but more - to get messy and do things wrong and get really tangled up in something that wouldn't be easy. It doesn't feel like a burden. The fact that politics might keep me away from Russia for a long time doesn't make me feel like my duty is done and the burden is lifted. It feels like part of my heart is on constant alert, waiting for better news and the day I return. It will come, and I'll rejoice.
But today my life is in Atlanta, and I'm in seminary, just trying to learn how to be faithful to my calling. Trying to learn what it means to be an ethicist and to help people think through issues of life and death. I'm stumbling my way through medical ethics and theology so I can be there when people face these problems in their own lives. And today, in my formation as an ethicist, the same theme is emerging: I am finding life when I choose to bind myself to people who are hurting. The ill, the dying, the newborn, the unborn. The diseased, poor, immigrant, wounded. The people in pain and the families beside them.
Who am I as an ethicist? One who is choosing to be on the side of the hurting. I wasn't born with an obligation to these people, but I will die with one. I wasn't born with a responsibility to those whose loved ones are dying in hospitals, but I'll choose to take it. I wasn't born in Russia, but I learned to speak the language to bind me there. Not because it's easy or "moral" or fun, but because I believe life is found in the giving. In the free choice of being bound to others.
When Jesus did this he went to the cross. There's no telling where it will take us. But I hope at the end I can look back on my life and see the same theme. I hope the end finds me faithful.
You know how characters in movies always have a backstory that lends a theme to their existence? It's usually a little oversimplified really. Bella in Twilight is lonely. Danielle in Ever After is mistreated. Robin Hood is communist. (Oh, or libertarian? Wait, what?) Anyway. In the Storyline binder you can make a timeline of your backstory, and notice the overarching theme of your life.
In 2012 the moments I plotted on my timeline were different than the ones I would plot today. My life theme is different. That alone is an interesting point, a testament to the dynamism of our self-understanding and the power of perspective. Because a lot changes between the ages of 19 and 22.
And a lot will change between 22 and 55. But I think it's ok to claim my experience, to claim my identities and roles and trajectories. Today as a 22 year old human I pay attention to my life theme even as it shifts and morphs into the themes of future tomorrows. It helps me make sense of where I've come from and where I'm going, put God and myself in our proper places in the universe, and make decisions out of those places.
In 2012 my life theme was "Life is Found in Giving Life Away." And I think there is a lot of truth to that, for me personally and for other people. Most of the big experiences that have shaped me were the result of giving my time and self to other people. Mainly, in going to Russia and living into their reality. Immersing myself in the culture, language, problems, joys, and sufferings of those people. I have never felt more alive and free than I felt with them, and it's not because of magic, or because they are any more special than Americans. It's not because I did anything amazing to help them and feel good about myself - quite the opposite actually. It's because I was living into their reality instead of my own, living for them and with them instead of for myself. And the times here at home when I have done that, in college or ethics campaigns or church ministries, the same thing has always happened. I have found more fullness of life in the giving.
But there have been more than a few big twists and turns in my plot line the past two years and my theme has turned along with it. I still find life in the giving, but it means something different to me now.
All my life I have wanted to be independent. Free. It has manifested in both good ways and bad (lots of bad). I like to be my own rule maker which is just plain annoying to people, because if something isn't my idea it can be hard to get me on board. I react by pushing back when any sort of demand is placed on me, and I tend not to care what people think as long as I can be independent. It's a problem. I know.
But what I have realized is that giving life away is really just one way of saying giving up my autonomy for someone else. It's letting other people place demands on me, demands where I have an obligation to them instead of being free from them. Instead of asserting my freedom over/against others, it's asserting my free choice to be tied in the bonds of relationship to them. It is a paradox: I feel more free, more alive, the more bound I am to other people. The fullness of life is found in being freely connected to others.
Moving toward freedom means moving toward other people. I cannot be free for myself, independent, alone, autonomous, and be full of life. That is a lie I tend to believe (the same one the serpent told in Eden), but the theme of my life tells me otherwise.
I haven't been to Russia in two years. Some days it feels like ten. I miss it a lot, and I pray often about going back. In Russia I learned how to take responsibility for a group of people I had no obligation to. God pushed me into this really difficult relationship with people I was choosing to love, without any bond of family, nationality, language, or even friendship at first. And I was surprised to find not less freedom, but more - to get messy and do things wrong and get really tangled up in something that wouldn't be easy. It doesn't feel like a burden. The fact that politics might keep me away from Russia for a long time doesn't make me feel like my duty is done and the burden is lifted. It feels like part of my heart is on constant alert, waiting for better news and the day I return. It will come, and I'll rejoice.
But today my life is in Atlanta, and I'm in seminary, just trying to learn how to be faithful to my calling. Trying to learn what it means to be an ethicist and to help people think through issues of life and death. I'm stumbling my way through medical ethics and theology so I can be there when people face these problems in their own lives. And today, in my formation as an ethicist, the same theme is emerging: I am finding life when I choose to bind myself to people who are hurting. The ill, the dying, the newborn, the unborn. The diseased, poor, immigrant, wounded. The people in pain and the families beside them.
Who am I as an ethicist? One who is choosing to be on the side of the hurting. I wasn't born with an obligation to these people, but I will die with one. I wasn't born with a responsibility to those whose loved ones are dying in hospitals, but I'll choose to take it. I wasn't born in Russia, but I learned to speak the language to bind me there. Not because it's easy or "moral" or fun, but because I believe life is found in the giving. In the free choice of being bound to others.
When Jesus did this he went to the cross. There's no telling where it will take us. But I hope at the end I can look back on my life and see the same theme. I hope the end finds me faithful.
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