Into the Dark

"One week."

That was my first thought as I awoke this morning. One week till I say the vows we wrote. One week till I hold his hand and walk into the future, into the dark.

In many ways I have one more week - seven more days of the life I have been used to living. In more ways, my life has already changed. To us, the wedding is an acknowledgement by our community of something that has already begun to happen. We have already combined our hearts and lives. We are already in the process of marriage. This is the party to celebrate.

But of course there are ways in which I will not know what I am doing until I do it. Sometimes when I stop and think about it I wonder how it happened that I am now a week away from getting married. I don't know what it means to be a wife. I think at bottom it means blindly agreeing to walk with this man into the dark - whatever comes, good and bad, triumph and hardship, the complete unknown of the rest of our lives. I imagine it's kind of like having a kid, contractually obligating yourself to love and care for and give yourself up for this human you do not yet know and will never fully know. It's scary and crazy yet something deep within me recognizes it as a symbol of the meaning of life. Giving myself up for someone. Giving myself up for lots of people, my community, as Christ freely demonstrated for us out of love.

In essence my hope is that our marriage will draw the circle wider, and also deeper. That it will make the family bigger, draw people in, through hospitality, service, and kindness. That it will influence its circle of people to be deeper, more thoughtful, more faithful to Christ and his teachings, more self-aware and honest. That our sphere of influence will draw the world into a richer experience of God's grace and love, which necessarily will inspire us toward creativity and action. That is what I want for our marriage: that it reflect the kingdom of God.

This week is going to be everything. It will be exhilarating, exhausting, beautiful, stressful, joy-filled, peace-filled, hard, busy, tearful. I pray I will soak it up and assimilate it all, make memories, laugh, enjoy it. Relax and be still.

I pray that I will mean every word I say next Friday, and that the unknowable darkness of the future will not discourage me from it. I pray that the Christ who showed me what it means to lay down my life for another will help me imitate it now, next Friday, and for the rest of my life, for this person who is my greatest love.