8 Things I Could've Done Better
This piece is somewhat confessional. In roughly 30 hours my last MDiv exam will be over. I'll close the books, set down the laptop, maybe even sleep a while...and wait for it to hit me that I'm a seminary graduate.
The past three years have been a long road, and it's no secret I've struggled here. I've never once been sure McAfee was the right place for me. I only feel affection for Atlanta roughly one day per month. I crave the mountains, and meaningful work, and the kind of community I had in Nashville. Some days I feel like an outsider here.
But I've done good and hard things, like get married and run an ultra-marathon, and even though I've spent the last three years wrestling with God and this school, I am not sorry I came. It has been too hard, but it has not crushed me. Here are a few things I learned.
1. Choose wisely.
Don't go to a Baptist seminary if you are not Baptist. Don't go to a small seminary if you want an academic religion degree. Unless, of course, God somehow sneaks it up on you, and then go in faith that there might someday be a reason you needed to learn Baptist history.
2. Think more positively about people and classes than they deserve.
If you know a certain person or class will be boring/unhelpful/weird/annoying/time-wasting, even if you are right, think positively. Think 50% more positively than you think you can. This is partly for those around you, but mostly for your own sanity. I won't name the people/classes I dreaded in seminary but rest assured there were many - and I regret not seeing the best in them. I wish I was more defiantly hopeful. Being defiantly hopeful is a skill I wish I had learned in seminary. Instead, I let dread and disappointment make me jaded. I was not wrong in my judgements, but I regret them because I missed an opportunity to learn defiant hope and generosity of affection.
3. Love people more.
Here's a confession: in seminary I've pushed a lot of people away as an act of self-preservation. A lot was/is going on in my personal life. A lot was/is going on between me and God. A lot was/is going on in my professional life. And I am tired; more tired than I have ever been before. So I have needed to go to sleep early and I've needed to stay home a lot, and I've needed to be watchful of my time, money, and energy. This is not wrong, but I'm starting to wonder if it didn't hurt instead of help. Maybe if I made more friends it would have been easier. Maybe if I got more involved in my church it would have been easier. Maybe if I made more connections, my time in Atlanta would be better. I don't really know. But I wish I had loved people better instead of guarding myself.
4. Don't stop doing meaningful work.
Just because you're tired of talking about ministry doesn't mean you should stop doing it. I used to do mission work. I used to work with kids. I used to find meaning in ministering to people over coffee; I stopped all of this when I came to McAfee. I was angry/tired of talking about church when I want to be a clinical ethicist, so I ran full speed away from ministry. I don't even like the idea anymore. I regret that.
5. Go to church anyway.
I joined a church and have been relatively good at going. But some Sundays I can't stomach it. At the end of seminary I have decided I should go to church anyway. I don't want a Christian ethicist who doesn't go to church. I don't want a Christian ethicist who stays away from the communion table because she is tired of hearing sermons. Go to church anyway.
6. Talk in class.
I'm shy in groups, and graduate school attracts leaders who talk a lot. Add that to the fact that I didn't come to McAfee for ordination or church ministry, like most people, and it meant I felt weird talking in class. The notable exception was in ethics classes. But maybe church folks would have liked my perspective in other classes too, or maybe it would have helped me engage more when I felt like an outsider. Either way, I had a lot to say that no one ever heard, and I regret that.
7. Take advantage of the diversity.
Seminary (at places like McAfee, at least) might be the only chance you have to regularly engage with Christian leaders of other races/ethnicities and perspectives. It's easy to sit with the people who look and act like you, but try not to. I wish I had sat on the other side of the room more often.
8. It's ok.
There's no wrong way to do it, as long as you keep showing up. I got married in the middle of my last semester. It was unconventional, but it's ok. I have taken small sabbaticals from church. I wouldn't do it forever, but if you need it, it's ok. Sometimes I took a lower grade so I could get some sleep. Sometimes I needed wine and carbs after my night class, and hey, that's ok too. There are some things you don't compromise, like following Jesus and the honor code and showing up to at least 75% of your classes, but give yourself some slack in the smaller areas. It's really ok. Maybe don't read the whole book. Seminary shouldn't be taken so seriously.
So, 30 more hours. I don't know if I'm finishing strong or sort of flopping over the finish line, but either way, I'll be relieved to be done. If God can get me through Baptist seminary, he can get me through anything. I'm convinced.
The past three years have been a long road, and it's no secret I've struggled here. I've never once been sure McAfee was the right place for me. I only feel affection for Atlanta roughly one day per month. I crave the mountains, and meaningful work, and the kind of community I had in Nashville. Some days I feel like an outsider here.
But I've done good and hard things, like get married and run an ultra-marathon, and even though I've spent the last three years wrestling with God and this school, I am not sorry I came. It has been too hard, but it has not crushed me. Here are a few things I learned.
1. Choose wisely.
Don't go to a Baptist seminary if you are not Baptist. Don't go to a small seminary if you want an academic religion degree. Unless, of course, God somehow sneaks it up on you, and then go in faith that there might someday be a reason you needed to learn Baptist history.
2. Think more positively about people and classes than they deserve.
If you know a certain person or class will be boring/unhelpful/weird/annoying/time-wasting, even if you are right, think positively. Think 50% more positively than you think you can. This is partly for those around you, but mostly for your own sanity. I won't name the people/classes I dreaded in seminary but rest assured there were many - and I regret not seeing the best in them. I wish I was more defiantly hopeful. Being defiantly hopeful is a skill I wish I had learned in seminary. Instead, I let dread and disappointment make me jaded. I was not wrong in my judgements, but I regret them because I missed an opportunity to learn defiant hope and generosity of affection.
3. Love people more.
Here's a confession: in seminary I've pushed a lot of people away as an act of self-preservation. A lot was/is going on in my personal life. A lot was/is going on between me and God. A lot was/is going on in my professional life. And I am tired; more tired than I have ever been before. So I have needed to go to sleep early and I've needed to stay home a lot, and I've needed to be watchful of my time, money, and energy. This is not wrong, but I'm starting to wonder if it didn't hurt instead of help. Maybe if I made more friends it would have been easier. Maybe if I got more involved in my church it would have been easier. Maybe if I made more connections, my time in Atlanta would be better. I don't really know. But I wish I had loved people better instead of guarding myself.
4. Don't stop doing meaningful work.
Just because you're tired of talking about ministry doesn't mean you should stop doing it. I used to do mission work. I used to work with kids. I used to find meaning in ministering to people over coffee; I stopped all of this when I came to McAfee. I was angry/tired of talking about church when I want to be a clinical ethicist, so I ran full speed away from ministry. I don't even like the idea anymore. I regret that.
5. Go to church anyway.
I joined a church and have been relatively good at going. But some Sundays I can't stomach it. At the end of seminary I have decided I should go to church anyway. I don't want a Christian ethicist who doesn't go to church. I don't want a Christian ethicist who stays away from the communion table because she is tired of hearing sermons. Go to church anyway.
6. Talk in class.
I'm shy in groups, and graduate school attracts leaders who talk a lot. Add that to the fact that I didn't come to McAfee for ordination or church ministry, like most people, and it meant I felt weird talking in class. The notable exception was in ethics classes. But maybe church folks would have liked my perspective in other classes too, or maybe it would have helped me engage more when I felt like an outsider. Either way, I had a lot to say that no one ever heard, and I regret that.
7. Take advantage of the diversity.
Seminary (at places like McAfee, at least) might be the only chance you have to regularly engage with Christian leaders of other races/ethnicities and perspectives. It's easy to sit with the people who look and act like you, but try not to. I wish I had sat on the other side of the room more often.
8. It's ok.
There's no wrong way to do it, as long as you keep showing up. I got married in the middle of my last semester. It was unconventional, but it's ok. I have taken small sabbaticals from church. I wouldn't do it forever, but if you need it, it's ok. Sometimes I took a lower grade so I could get some sleep. Sometimes I needed wine and carbs after my night class, and hey, that's ok too. There are some things you don't compromise, like following Jesus and the honor code and showing up to at least 75% of your classes, but give yourself some slack in the smaller areas. It's really ok. Maybe don't read the whole book. Seminary shouldn't be taken so seriously.
So, 30 more hours. I don't know if I'm finishing strong or sort of flopping over the finish line, but either way, I'll be relieved to be done. If God can get me through Baptist seminary, he can get me through anything. I'm convinced.
Comments
Post a Comment