Looking for Confirmation
Brene Brown says, borrowing from Michelle Buck, that "we've got to stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that we do not belong, because we will always find it."
I'm the most guilty of this. The MOST guilty.
Brene says we do not negotiate our belonging externally -- we do not negotiate it with other people --but rather we carry it within ourselves. And only when we carry a sense of belonging within ourselves are we able to confirm our belonging in our communities -- to receive and affirm our place in the world.
Wow.
It's a hard time to be alive in this world. It's a really scary and disconnected and maddening time to be human right now. Much less to be human within the unpredictable and uncontrollable groups of people we are asked to belong to! Our social groups, churches, neighborhoods, schools, cities, clubs, countries, yoga studios, etc., etc., are incredibly unstable in this era of individualism + fear. We have lost a shared sense of values. We have lost some cultural and institutional memory that used to unite us. We have lost a sense of responsibility to the whole because we have often been hurt by that whole. We have decided we cannot understand each other because of the irreparable rifts between us. We have come to disagree about nearly everything; there is no ground beneath our feet.
Imagine being an adolescent or a young adult in this day and age. I can barely imagine it, and yet here I am. Here we are. I'm 26 in this world of ours.
And setting aside all my very real worries about the state of our world, our planet, our ecosystems (natural and social)...I simply don't feel connected to hardly anyone anymore. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.
It's a familiar refrain. Every friend I can think of feels this way, and has said so when we are feeling brave enough to broach the subject.
We don't have as many deep friendships as we long to have. We spend all day in our cars and offices. We attend social events out of obligation, and we feel busy, so we skip out on the things that may give us a real sense of community. It's too hard. We are too exhausted. And we look around and realize, "I do not belong."
I am not sure if it's worse in Atlanta than other cities, but I wouldn't be surprised if the way our city's infrastructure is built and the culture we've created within it makes disconnection easy. And I don't know if it's worse in churches now than it used to be, for various complex reasons, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is.
And yet...I don't want to blame Atlanta or churches or anything else anymore for my sense of unbelonging. Because I think the problem runs much deeper than the outside world - much deeper inside me.
I walk around the world looking for confirmation that I don't belong.
I leave a job and lose touch so easily with my coworkers that I think, "wow, I really didn't have friends there after all. I never belonged." I walk into my church and feel a fake smile and think, "these people don't know me that well at all." I walk around Buckhead with all the fancy cars and think, "I don't belong in Buckhead. I don't fit in here; why do I live here?"
I don't belong. I knew it! I don't belong in any of the communities in which I find my physical body. I walk through the world with a withdrawn spirit, confirmed in its suspicions that no one truly accepts me and there is no place for me on God's green earth except perhaps the wilderness of Colorado.
I don't want to belittle the very real struggles happening here. Our societies and our world needs a lot of work if we are going to be able to live together moving forward. And to some extent it may even be true that Atlanta is not the place for me, and there are other places that would be better suited to my particular needs.
But. We cultivate a sense of belonging within ourselves.
I belong because I am at peace with myself and I do not avoid any part of me. I belong because I am created good and deserve to have my needs met. I belong because I have empathy and joy and talents to offer the social spaces of my world. I belong within the space of my own values and convictions. And from that ability to stand alone with myself, I can truly belong to others. From that place of belonging within the universe and God, I can belong to those around me.
When we move this summer, and we start over in a new city and I'm back in school for the long haul, I want to do it with a sense of belonging. I want to look around for confirmation that I belong in some communities and spaces and institutions, and I have a feeling I might (just maybe) find it.
I'm the most guilty of this. The MOST guilty.
Brene says we do not negotiate our belonging externally -- we do not negotiate it with other people --but rather we carry it within ourselves. And only when we carry a sense of belonging within ourselves are we able to confirm our belonging in our communities -- to receive and affirm our place in the world.
Wow.
It's a hard time to be alive in this world. It's a really scary and disconnected and maddening time to be human right now. Much less to be human within the unpredictable and uncontrollable groups of people we are asked to belong to! Our social groups, churches, neighborhoods, schools, cities, clubs, countries, yoga studios, etc., etc., are incredibly unstable in this era of individualism + fear. We have lost a shared sense of values. We have lost some cultural and institutional memory that used to unite us. We have lost a sense of responsibility to the whole because we have often been hurt by that whole. We have decided we cannot understand each other because of the irreparable rifts between us. We have come to disagree about nearly everything; there is no ground beneath our feet.
Imagine being an adolescent or a young adult in this day and age. I can barely imagine it, and yet here I am. Here we are. I'm 26 in this world of ours.
And setting aside all my very real worries about the state of our world, our planet, our ecosystems (natural and social)...I simply don't feel connected to hardly anyone anymore. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.
It's a familiar refrain. Every friend I can think of feels this way, and has said so when we are feeling brave enough to broach the subject.
We don't have as many deep friendships as we long to have. We spend all day in our cars and offices. We attend social events out of obligation, and we feel busy, so we skip out on the things that may give us a real sense of community. It's too hard. We are too exhausted. And we look around and realize, "I do not belong."
I am not sure if it's worse in Atlanta than other cities, but I wouldn't be surprised if the way our city's infrastructure is built and the culture we've created within it makes disconnection easy. And I don't know if it's worse in churches now than it used to be, for various complex reasons, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is.
And yet...I don't want to blame Atlanta or churches or anything else anymore for my sense of unbelonging. Because I think the problem runs much deeper than the outside world - much deeper inside me.
I walk around the world looking for confirmation that I don't belong.
I leave a job and lose touch so easily with my coworkers that I think, "wow, I really didn't have friends there after all. I never belonged." I walk into my church and feel a fake smile and think, "these people don't know me that well at all." I walk around Buckhead with all the fancy cars and think, "I don't belong in Buckhead. I don't fit in here; why do I live here?"
I don't belong. I knew it! I don't belong in any of the communities in which I find my physical body. I walk through the world with a withdrawn spirit, confirmed in its suspicions that no one truly accepts me and there is no place for me on God's green earth except perhaps the wilderness of Colorado.
I don't want to belittle the very real struggles happening here. Our societies and our world needs a lot of work if we are going to be able to live together moving forward. And to some extent it may even be true that Atlanta is not the place for me, and there are other places that would be better suited to my particular needs.
But. We cultivate a sense of belonging within ourselves.
I belong because I am at peace with myself and I do not avoid any part of me. I belong because I am created good and deserve to have my needs met. I belong because I have empathy and joy and talents to offer the social spaces of my world. I belong within the space of my own values and convictions. And from that ability to stand alone with myself, I can truly belong to others. From that place of belonging within the universe and God, I can belong to those around me.
When we move this summer, and we start over in a new city and I'm back in school for the long haul, I want to do it with a sense of belonging. I want to look around for confirmation that I belong in some communities and spaces and institutions, and I have a feeling I might (just maybe) find it.
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