Idle and Blessed

It's a shame fresh starts are only officially once a year. They're really my favorite things, I think. Maybe it's part of my OCD. I love clean slates like I love clean rooms and organized drawers. Fresh starts are the clean lines of life. They make the mess go away. At least, they're supposed to. And since I'm a big fan of self-discipline, they usually do. I can stick with a diet, I can stick with a running schedule, I can stick with a clean kitchen and rules and plans. But I feel like there are just some seasons of change that don't come on January 1. My fresh start already started. My new job, new post-grad plans, new pet. My hair is already on its way to blonde, I already went vegetarian, and I'm already increasing my running mileage each week. They are good changes. I don't have trouble making changes, really. It's just not on January 1 this time. This New Year's Eve I'm not dreaming up new ways to change for the better...

My life looks almost nothing like it did six weeks ago. I'm not managing Simply anymore; I've lost some friends and gained others. I have a full tuition scholarship to a Divinity School I had never heard of. I'm no longer considering taking a year off after Belmont, and my time in Nashville is wrapping up almost without my permission. Five months till I'm a college graduate. Oh, and I have a kitten. I work at Pure Barre. It's not Pilates and it's not "my" studio, but I feel comfortable there and I'm happy to be in that environment. Not to mention I'll be in killer shape from working out there. :) I feel like I'm in a position of discerning what I want. I'm learning myself. Learning what I rejoice over and what gives me life, as well as what drains me of motivation and purpose. I believe in Pilates and fitness, and I'm good at managing studios. I like it. I have a passion for theology and ethics. I don't get tired of learni...

She is just as needy as I am. She is just as hungry as I am. She is just as helpless as I am. So, she’s my kitten. That’s that. She’s also the person I used to be. She lives with excitement in her eyes. She’s also everyone I can’t love because they are too much for me. She smothers me. She’s needy. She needs everything from me at all hours of the day. She knows no boundaries. And should she? She’s a baby. She sees no separation yet between herself and me. I can’t accept people like that. It’s very hard for me to extend compassion and patience to those who don’t allow me my independence. Very hard for me to care for someone who smothers. And yet, I’m her mother. We make it, day by day. It’s a spiritual exercise for me in not killing the things that make me angry. Not pushing away the things that are needy toward me. Not choosing when to give love and when to withhold it. It is therapy to take care of something so helpless when you’re helpless y...

I hope you find what you're looking for someday.

"She's a real good cat, loves to play!" I was kneeling, my body inches from the concrete, looking up at her as I tried my best to operate an air compressor. Jenny was leaving for St. Louis and we were filling her tires with air, preoccupied with PSI numbers and the man who tried to come to our rescue but knew less about tire pressure than I did. "Oh...where'd you find her?" I keep filling the tire. 30 PSI to go. "I didn't find her, I had her since she was born. But I can't keep her no more..." And we're at a gas station, no less. I forget about the tire and stand up, crossing the six foot gap between us. A half second later I'm standing with a gray fur ball in my hands. Not sure how that happened, but somehow I knew it was already too late. "I have to leave her here, can't take her with me. You want her?" the lady mumbles. "Um, ok, well...I guess I can take her. I mean, I want her, sure....

I cry hard, laugh loud. I'm humble, I stand proud. I hold onto my faith with all my heart. I'm careful, I'm brave. I'm still, but don't stay in any one place for too long. I remember God's grace, I give more than I take. I let love break my heart. And all of this, I wish for you. {lyrics: Jessica Andrews}

I don't understand how God works. I sit on the asphalt under a streetlight and Sarah holds me together, picking up the pieces. I drive my car slow, with the windows down to feel the 35 degree air. I lay down with my kitten next to me and she sleeps the day away. It's not my job to understand. I skip some classes and drink coffee, thanking God the sun exists. I take more time than usual to talk to good friends in quiet voices. I do what I need to do, then I run a few miles or eight.  I cannot reconcile ultimate things. I check twitter a thousand times each day. I don't wait for God to speak from the sky; I notice the hidden things. I burn incense and walk dogs in the rain, and I speak when I have something to say. The trees are red and the sky is blue and sometimes the windows fog up at night. Winter is coming. It's Jesus' job to reconcile. I am a new creature every day yet also the same. I feel everything and know nothing. Experien...