I'll be home two weeks from now. I'm still partly longing for home and partly longing to stay here...although the exact ratio between the two varies minute by minute.
I'm just really lonely. Being an infant language wise and a nineteen year old in every other respect is strange. I want to have deep conversations, I want to connect deeply, but all I can do is speak in phrases like "I want to sleep," "Jesus is my Savior," "Please give me more coffee," etc. Maybe this is what being an adult stuck in a toddler's body is like. Oh wait, that doesn't happen. There might be a reason for that.
So lately, on the days when Nadya is home and not working, I just corner her and tell her I want to talk. We clean the house, make food, wash clothes, whatever. But we talk. It helps a little bit. She is very encouraging, always telling me how well I'm doing. But it's hard to be patient with myself. I feel like a month and a half should be plenty of time to learn a language, especially considering I hear it every hour of the day.
I feel like I've blogged this before. It's not a new problem. Loneliness and the desire to understand and be understood have become my most basic struggles.
Yesterday Nadya and I went to the orphanage. There aren't any kids there anymore, but the workers still live there, and there's a super old Babooshka (grandmother) who needs visitors. So we made borsh yesterday and brought her some. And Nadya cut her nails and soaked her swollen feet and talked to her, while I sat there and smiled and said what I could. Babooshka can't really see, can't sit up for long periods of time, and doesn't talk very much.
There is a picture on the wall in her little room, a picture of a young woman - a picture of Babooshka many years ago. Her eyes are dark and her jaw is strong and you can tell she is a capable, beautiful, lively woman. Yesterday in that room, whenever I started to view Babooshka as just an old woman who probably didn't even understand who I was, I looked up at that picture and tried to picture that woman before me. I can't imagine how much wisdom and love and experience must be contained in her lifetime. She deserves so much respect. I earnestly pray that when she is no longer on earth, she will be with Jesus. I have hope that she does know Him, because one time when Nadya left the room and it was just us, she asked me if I was a believer.
"Are you a believer too?"
"Yes, I'm a believer. I love Jesus."
Her eyes roamed around and I could see she lost her train of thought. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled and sat with her. Those are the times when it really bothers me to not know the language. Oh how I wish I could have talked to her about Jesus.
My heart broke for her yesterday. I had a hard night after that. It's hard to come face to face with the fragility and shortness of life. It's hard to come face to face with the way some people are treated, the way some people are forced to live, at the end of their lives...
Today was church, and I was so glad to see everyone. A lot of people were at camp all last week and I missed them! After church I came over to visit Din and Inna (and use their computer, as you can see :) ) and Robert asked if I was going to sleep at their house again. When Inna told him I was just visiting he got really mad. I love him.
6 more days and my dear friends get here. I'm so so ready to see them. But until then, Children's Club is this week, and I still have some preparing to do for Family Camp. Please pray for my stamina. My stomach has been doing remarkably well, praise God, but I've been tired constantly. I think I might be low on iron or something. Or maybe my body still isn't used to the altitude.
Pray pray pray, my friends! For Kids Club, for Family Camp, for the struggling church, for Venera, for the Teen Camp team who are almost home, for the orphans in state custody, for my health, for my endurance, for this country and yours. I have never in my life had so many things to pray for. My eyes are being opened to the brokenness and the need all around me. That sometimes happens when you go to Russia.
I'm just really lonely. Being an infant language wise and a nineteen year old in every other respect is strange. I want to have deep conversations, I want to connect deeply, but all I can do is speak in phrases like "I want to sleep," "Jesus is my Savior," "Please give me more coffee," etc. Maybe this is what being an adult stuck in a toddler's body is like. Oh wait, that doesn't happen. There might be a reason for that.
So lately, on the days when Nadya is home and not working, I just corner her and tell her I want to talk. We clean the house, make food, wash clothes, whatever. But we talk. It helps a little bit. She is very encouraging, always telling me how well I'm doing. But it's hard to be patient with myself. I feel like a month and a half should be plenty of time to learn a language, especially considering I hear it every hour of the day.
I feel like I've blogged this before. It's not a new problem. Loneliness and the desire to understand and be understood have become my most basic struggles.
Yesterday Nadya and I went to the orphanage. There aren't any kids there anymore, but the workers still live there, and there's a super old Babooshka (grandmother) who needs visitors. So we made borsh yesterday and brought her some. And Nadya cut her nails and soaked her swollen feet and talked to her, while I sat there and smiled and said what I could. Babooshka can't really see, can't sit up for long periods of time, and doesn't talk very much.
There is a picture on the wall in her little room, a picture of a young woman - a picture of Babooshka many years ago. Her eyes are dark and her jaw is strong and you can tell she is a capable, beautiful, lively woman. Yesterday in that room, whenever I started to view Babooshka as just an old woman who probably didn't even understand who I was, I looked up at that picture and tried to picture that woman before me. I can't imagine how much wisdom and love and experience must be contained in her lifetime. She deserves so much respect. I earnestly pray that when she is no longer on earth, she will be with Jesus. I have hope that she does know Him, because one time when Nadya left the room and it was just us, she asked me if I was a believer.
"Are you a believer too?"
"Yes, I'm a believer. I love Jesus."
Her eyes roamed around and I could see she lost her train of thought. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled and sat with her. Those are the times when it really bothers me to not know the language. Oh how I wish I could have talked to her about Jesus.
My heart broke for her yesterday. I had a hard night after that. It's hard to come face to face with the fragility and shortness of life. It's hard to come face to face with the way some people are treated, the way some people are forced to live, at the end of their lives...
Today was church, and I was so glad to see everyone. A lot of people were at camp all last week and I missed them! After church I came over to visit Din and Inna (and use their computer, as you can see :) ) and Robert asked if I was going to sleep at their house again. When Inna told him I was just visiting he got really mad. I love him.
6 more days and my dear friends get here. I'm so so ready to see them. But until then, Children's Club is this week, and I still have some preparing to do for Family Camp. Please pray for my stamina. My stomach has been doing remarkably well, praise God, but I've been tired constantly. I think I might be low on iron or something. Or maybe my body still isn't used to the altitude.
Pray pray pray, my friends! For Kids Club, for Family Camp, for the struggling church, for Venera, for the Teen Camp team who are almost home, for the orphans in state custody, for my health, for my endurance, for this country and yours. I have never in my life had so many things to pray for. My eyes are being opened to the brokenness and the need all around me. That sometimes happens when you go to Russia.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying, praying, praying.
I hope my letter reaches you in time.
-Kelsey
Russia is really compelling you and the people you touch. I'm so glad to see God's work being done though an infant's body. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping and praying that your last two weeks (less now) are rewarding and fulfilling for you and those you are in touch with. Most languages take YEARS, not months, to learn. Don't be too hard on yourself. Can't wait to see you again!
ReplyDeleteLove, Gramma