Perseverence
I have actually kind of enjoyed having such limited internet access lately. It forces me to focus on where I am. (But unfortunately, the lack of pictures doesn't help YOU focus on where I am...sorry! :) )
Thanks to those of you who are taking the time to comment! I appreciate the connection to the outside world. Sheesh, I appreciate any connection at this stage of the game. But I'm communicating more than ever before with the people here, and although that's still not as much as I would like, it's good. Nadya, Sasha, Tanya, and Slavik are amazing for putting the time and effort into talking to me. And because of it I really feel like I finally have deeper friendships here...
(So, Family Camp Team, when you see those people next week, please give them a high five or a "best communicators to the poor American girl" award.)
This week has been like one of those dreams where you are trying to run but your feet aren't moving. Like running through mud, I would imagine. I'm just pushing through the grime of my own exhaustion and impatience with these kids. If I haven't mentioned it before, this week is Kids Club at the church...4 hours a day of teaching, games, etc. We have about 30 kiddos, which may not sound like a lot, but let me tell you...I have never. Been. This. Tired.
There are many reasons why I think this Kids Club is such a difficult thing for me, but I won't go into them. Instead I'll just share what the Lord has been doing in my heart because of it.
Monday after Club I was almost dead, but after a Russian lesson with Tanya I was on my way to recovery. Tuesday after Club I had a serious conversation with God, which went something like this:
"I think I'll fake sick tomorrow. Or just say I won't go."
"Why?"
"You know why. That horrible kid that hit me today will be the death of me. And I'm not doing any good. I just get frustrated and tired and bitter. That's no way to end my last week alone here."
"You're going to stop going because it brings out negative feelings and sin in you? And sit at home alone?"
"I mean, I could stick it out, but what's the point? Plus, if I'm already bitter towards these kids before Family Camp even starts, I'll be a horrible teacher."
Silence.
"So yeah, Lord, I'm glad you agree."
Silence.
"Ok so maybe I need to work on the fact that I'm getting bitter. Maybe I need to figure out why I'm not loving them like I should. Maybe I should persevere instead of running from what brings out sin in me. Because man...I don't want to tell everyone I quit. That's embarrassing."
"Mhm."
"Yeah. Ok. Awesome. I'm about to need a lot of rehab after this."
I still mean that part about needing rehab. BUT today was better than yesterday. I'm not enjoying it yet, but I'm learning how to control that wave of anger that rises in me when a certain kid tells me no. And I'm learning how to do hard things simply because the Lord put them in my path, as my responsibility, regardless of whether or not I see the fruit. Whether or not it gets easier, whether or not I feel like it's a good use of my time. The Lord knows a lot more about that than I do.
And believe it or not, I'm being forced to communicate with Natasja a lot more about my feelings, my opinions, my sin, my growth, than ever before. I don't have time to explain why that's such a good thing, but believe me when I say it is. :)
*Sigh* I must go. On to the rest of my mud week. Thanks for praying for me.
Oh and guess what?
I GET TO SEE AMERICANS IN 3 DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Be home soon :)
Thanks to those of you who are taking the time to comment! I appreciate the connection to the outside world. Sheesh, I appreciate any connection at this stage of the game. But I'm communicating more than ever before with the people here, and although that's still not as much as I would like, it's good. Nadya, Sasha, Tanya, and Slavik are amazing for putting the time and effort into talking to me. And because of it I really feel like I finally have deeper friendships here...
(So, Family Camp Team, when you see those people next week, please give them a high five or a "best communicators to the poor American girl" award.)
This week has been like one of those dreams where you are trying to run but your feet aren't moving. Like running through mud, I would imagine. I'm just pushing through the grime of my own exhaustion and impatience with these kids. If I haven't mentioned it before, this week is Kids Club at the church...4 hours a day of teaching, games, etc. We have about 30 kiddos, which may not sound like a lot, but let me tell you...I have never. Been. This. Tired.
There are many reasons why I think this Kids Club is such a difficult thing for me, but I won't go into them. Instead I'll just share what the Lord has been doing in my heart because of it.
Monday after Club I was almost dead, but after a Russian lesson with Tanya I was on my way to recovery. Tuesday after Club I had a serious conversation with God, which went something like this:
"I think I'll fake sick tomorrow. Or just say I won't go."
"Why?"
"You know why. That horrible kid that hit me today will be the death of me. And I'm not doing any good. I just get frustrated and tired and bitter. That's no way to end my last week alone here."
"You're going to stop going because it brings out negative feelings and sin in you? And sit at home alone?"
"I mean, I could stick it out, but what's the point? Plus, if I'm already bitter towards these kids before Family Camp even starts, I'll be a horrible teacher."
Silence.
"So yeah, Lord, I'm glad you agree."
Silence.
"Ok so maybe I need to work on the fact that I'm getting bitter. Maybe I need to figure out why I'm not loving them like I should. Maybe I should persevere instead of running from what brings out sin in me. Because man...I don't want to tell everyone I quit. That's embarrassing."
"Mhm."
"Yeah. Ok. Awesome. I'm about to need a lot of rehab after this."
I still mean that part about needing rehab. BUT today was better than yesterday. I'm not enjoying it yet, but I'm learning how to control that wave of anger that rises in me when a certain kid tells me no. And I'm learning how to do hard things simply because the Lord put them in my path, as my responsibility, regardless of whether or not I see the fruit. Whether or not it gets easier, whether or not I feel like it's a good use of my time. The Lord knows a lot more about that than I do.
And believe it or not, I'm being forced to communicate with Natasja a lot more about my feelings, my opinions, my sin, my growth, than ever before. I don't have time to explain why that's such a good thing, but believe me when I say it is. :)
*Sigh* I must go. On to the rest of my mud week. Thanks for praying for me.
Oh and guess what?
I GET TO SEE AMERICANS IN 3 DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Be home soon :)
Jordan,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry I won't be one of the americans you get to see. I will be with the team in spirit and prayer. keep on following your Rabbi. Obedience changes our lives. You are blazing a trail for the rest of us to aspire too. Please send my greetings to Slavik and Tonya, and Walter and Natajsa...Sasha, Nadia, of just tell everyone hello and we miss them.
You're growing, Jordan. You really are. I think it's amazing and I can't wait to talk to you all about it! You'll be home so soon! And next week, with other Americans there, take a bit of a responsibility break, but DO NOT let it mean that you stop pushing! You have that last week to work on your Russian with people that speak it! The Americans should not be a crutch for you. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could go help you with family camp! I'll see you in 4 weeks though, so I guess that'll have to do.
I love you. I'm praying. I miss you.
-Kelsey
Hello dear, precious, and incredibly loved sister!
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me...yet. I'm Misty. I am part of Providence Community, previously known as Church on Church Street. I asked Meredith for your blog! I can't wait to meet you. I just wanted to encourage you in the Spirit! Remember that all fruitfulness in ministry flows from intimacy with the Godhead. Don't settle for anyone or anything but Jesus. You have but one teacher, one father, and one lover! I pray that God breaks your heart for the things that break his heart, that God would fill you with the Spirit of love and power and self-discipline! I read your blog that you were getting frustrated with the kids. I pray that he breaks your heart to see how precious they are, how loved by the father they are, and how important children are in the Kingdom of heaven. I recently read Matthew and I was astounded at how often children were mentioned! Jesus LOVES them! And the sadness and frustration you feel when they are stubborn and rebellious is a glimpse of the sadness and frustration God feels when you are stubborn, rebellious, and resistant towards him! I pray that you would trust God completely and expect huge, unthinkable things! May you be empowered and equipped by the word and spirt and love of our wonderful God. To him be the glory, majesty, and honor! He is the living, eternal, all-sufficient, loving God and that same God is chasing and pursuing you! Run to him Jordan and he will not delay to answer you! He is delighted by you, dear sister! See you soon! I love you with the love of the Lord!
A fellow laborer and lover of Christ,
Misty