This Is So Long It Probably Breaks a World Record
It is proving to be a lot harder than I thought to articulate my feelings, thoughts, experiences, heartbreaks, inspirations, and emotions. There's something about a mission trip that stirs you up in ways you have to struggle to understand. There's something about a two month mission trip that stirs you up in ways you cannot even begin to process. The two weeks post-Russia have never been easy for me, but in some ways this time is harder.
Because I can't think about my trip in one sweeping thought. I cannot reduce it to one theme. I cannot say "This is what God showed me!" because He showed me a lot more than I can tell you in a couple paragraphs. I lived life there. God took me through a few different spiritual seasons there. How can I even express it in my own heart, let alone to people who weren't there?
And so you all might have to be patient with me. I'm finding myself unmotivated to meet with all my friends and "talk about Russia" because I don't know how to do so. There's just so much to say that I can't say anything at all. I wonder how long term missionaries come home. I can't imagine that. Now I understand why the early church in Acts sent out missionaries in pairs or groups. It's just so much easier emotionally and spiritually to have someone experiencing things with you. We are not meant to be isolated.
And I wasn't isolated. I was just "doing life" with people who are not Americans. People who I have very limited communication with now. So apart from my mom, everyone I am "doing life" with NOW does not have a clear concept of the past two months of my life. That's something it will take a while for me to work through and change. I'm going to need patience, perseverance, and love. I'm going to need to spend the time to search my heart and begin sharing it with my American family. I'm grateful for these next three weeks before school starts to do so. It would be tempting and easy to just jump right back into life and forget about the tiring work of sharing my summer with the people around me. It would also be exactly what Satan wants.
It has been really helpful for me to look back in my prayer journal (yes, I filled up a whole journal over there!) and remember the seasons and the places the Lord walked me through. I'd like to share a few with you.
In the beginning, as I travelled those 30-something hours by myself, I was encouraged and filled and passionate. I knew what I was doing was important even though I couldn't see more than two hours ahead of me. I wrote, "I know the Kingdom needs senders and funders. But things aren't going to change until wealthy Christianity GOES AND LIVES. Until we laugh, cry, struggle, and dream with the poor and unloved. Until we spend lifetimes locking arms with believers who are different from us but will re-teach us the diversity and multi-facetedness of Christ's body. Until we stop giving charity and start becoming one with the destitute. When Christ begs for his followers to be unified, he did not use words indicating He meant charity. Charity can stem from guilt of a a true heart for the poor, but the SYSTEM producing the need for charity will not change until STORIES merge, heart-wrenching love is developed by shared life, and we leave behind our mindsets of prosperation theology. That's why short term mission trips tend to yield short term results. That's why I'm going to Karachaevsk for two months. Because it doesn't matter how many crafts I do with the kids, it matters that I'm doing life with them."
That was basically the only entry I ever wrote where I was sure what I was doing was impactful. Ever sense then I've had to just trust that the Lord would not have called me there for nothing. (I blogged about that before, I'm sure)
The first week or two there was just like returning to the States now. I crave Russian now, and Russian people and culture, but then I craved English and American people. I had a lot of frustration in big gatherings, when for hours I would understand nothing, and my body was physically tired because of it. I had no connections with the Russians because I could not communicate past "Spaciba" (thank you) and "Da/Nyet" (yes/no). I was impatient with myself and I wanted to go home.
But God began to teach me how to use prayer like life support. I could not express myself to anyone except God. Literally. Even when I called home I had to filter my words because the police tap the phone lines. Same with email. Same with blogging. The only one I could say everything to was Jesus. I wish I could say that saved me from loneliness, but I was still lonely.
The Lord started teaching me a lot about the necessity of community, language, and relationships. Mostly because they were all lacking in my life. I was spending so much time studying my Russian lessons and practicing, but felt like I was beating my head against a brick wall. It wasn't until the last 3 weeks or so that it clicked - then it was like my mind finally opened up and Russian began pouring in and actually taking root. It was a God thing, because it was those 3 weeks of being able to semi-communicate that bonded me with many of the people I got close to towards the end. Especially Nadya.
I probably blogged more about the language than anything else, but that was not my only struggle. I wasn't in Russia long before my sin began to multiply before me. I was convicted of everything from selfishness to laziness to gossip to pride. This really lasted my whole trip. Being immersed in a foreign country alone, with discomfort to spare, very quickly drew out all the nasty things in me that I can ignore here at home. And being always with people - cooking, eating, serving, traveling, walking, shopping, talking, EVERYTHING - made it even easier to see my selfish heart. I was convicted throughout the trip at every turn. Some friends there, friends here, the Bible, Oswald Chambers...conviction. Praise the Lord for that. I don't think I have ever been so aware of my sin. But that gave me hope. God has never been much for perfect people. When we start to realize we are nothing, God jumps in pretty quickly to use us. I'm not sure how God used me in Russia, and I might not ever know, but I believe in faith that He did. Because He emptied me in many ways, and that's when He works.
Jesus also began to open my eyes to what is truly going on in the church in Karachaevsk. He showed me the ways in which they have it right, and the ways in which they don't. Same with my two churches here in Nashville. And it struck me that we can learn so much from each other. I firmly believe that the body of Christ needs more communication. God's church is not a building; it's all of His people. As someone who has experienced the power of connection with the Body all around the world, I can assure you that that's how it's supposed to be. We need to partner with one another and learn from each other and seek the Lord together. We need to ignore our doctrinal differences and start humbling ourselves to see each other clearly. And we need to get to know each other. How many of us know our Christian brothers and sisters in Asia, the Middle East, Africa? I don't have time to go into it now, but I am convinced that Fellowship's strengths are in areas where New Life is weak, and vice versa. We can be so enriched in our walk by communicating with each other.
There's so much more I could say but I'm probably about to get Carpal Tunnel from all this typing. I'll continue these thoughts soon. Thank you for your patience, and for hearing me out as I begin to articulate what has been happening in my heart the past 2 months. I have a feeling it is going to have ripples throughout my entire life...
Oh, and before I go, I want to show you who I am praying for today:
Sasha and Nadya and their boys, Ruvim and Vitalik. One of the sweetest families on the face of the earth!
Because I can't think about my trip in one sweeping thought. I cannot reduce it to one theme. I cannot say "This is what God showed me!" because He showed me a lot more than I can tell you in a couple paragraphs. I lived life there. God took me through a few different spiritual seasons there. How can I even express it in my own heart, let alone to people who weren't there?
And so you all might have to be patient with me. I'm finding myself unmotivated to meet with all my friends and "talk about Russia" because I don't know how to do so. There's just so much to say that I can't say anything at all. I wonder how long term missionaries come home. I can't imagine that. Now I understand why the early church in Acts sent out missionaries in pairs or groups. It's just so much easier emotionally and spiritually to have someone experiencing things with you. We are not meant to be isolated.
And I wasn't isolated. I was just "doing life" with people who are not Americans. People who I have very limited communication with now. So apart from my mom, everyone I am "doing life" with NOW does not have a clear concept of the past two months of my life. That's something it will take a while for me to work through and change. I'm going to need patience, perseverance, and love. I'm going to need to spend the time to search my heart and begin sharing it with my American family. I'm grateful for these next three weeks before school starts to do so. It would be tempting and easy to just jump right back into life and forget about the tiring work of sharing my summer with the people around me. It would also be exactly what Satan wants.
It has been really helpful for me to look back in my prayer journal (yes, I filled up a whole journal over there!) and remember the seasons and the places the Lord walked me through. I'd like to share a few with you.
In the beginning, as I travelled those 30-something hours by myself, I was encouraged and filled and passionate. I knew what I was doing was important even though I couldn't see more than two hours ahead of me. I wrote, "I know the Kingdom needs senders and funders. But things aren't going to change until wealthy Christianity GOES AND LIVES. Until we laugh, cry, struggle, and dream with the poor and unloved. Until we spend lifetimes locking arms with believers who are different from us but will re-teach us the diversity and multi-facetedness of Christ's body. Until we stop giving charity and start becoming one with the destitute. When Christ begs for his followers to be unified, he did not use words indicating He meant charity. Charity can stem from guilt of a a true heart for the poor, but the SYSTEM producing the need for charity will not change until STORIES merge, heart-wrenching love is developed by shared life, and we leave behind our mindsets of prosperation theology. That's why short term mission trips tend to yield short term results. That's why I'm going to Karachaevsk for two months. Because it doesn't matter how many crafts I do with the kids, it matters that I'm doing life with them."
That was basically the only entry I ever wrote where I was sure what I was doing was impactful. Ever sense then I've had to just trust that the Lord would not have called me there for nothing. (I blogged about that before, I'm sure)
The first week or two there was just like returning to the States now. I crave Russian now, and Russian people and culture, but then I craved English and American people. I had a lot of frustration in big gatherings, when for hours I would understand nothing, and my body was physically tired because of it. I had no connections with the Russians because I could not communicate past "Spaciba" (thank you) and "Da/Nyet" (yes/no). I was impatient with myself and I wanted to go home.
But God began to teach me how to use prayer like life support. I could not express myself to anyone except God. Literally. Even when I called home I had to filter my words because the police tap the phone lines. Same with email. Same with blogging. The only one I could say everything to was Jesus. I wish I could say that saved me from loneliness, but I was still lonely.
The Lord started teaching me a lot about the necessity of community, language, and relationships. Mostly because they were all lacking in my life. I was spending so much time studying my Russian lessons and practicing, but felt like I was beating my head against a brick wall. It wasn't until the last 3 weeks or so that it clicked - then it was like my mind finally opened up and Russian began pouring in and actually taking root. It was a God thing, because it was those 3 weeks of being able to semi-communicate that bonded me with many of the people I got close to towards the end. Especially Nadya.
I probably blogged more about the language than anything else, but that was not my only struggle. I wasn't in Russia long before my sin began to multiply before me. I was convicted of everything from selfishness to laziness to gossip to pride. This really lasted my whole trip. Being immersed in a foreign country alone, with discomfort to spare, very quickly drew out all the nasty things in me that I can ignore here at home. And being always with people - cooking, eating, serving, traveling, walking, shopping, talking, EVERYTHING - made it even easier to see my selfish heart. I was convicted throughout the trip at every turn. Some friends there, friends here, the Bible, Oswald Chambers...conviction. Praise the Lord for that. I don't think I have ever been so aware of my sin. But that gave me hope. God has never been much for perfect people. When we start to realize we are nothing, God jumps in pretty quickly to use us. I'm not sure how God used me in Russia, and I might not ever know, but I believe in faith that He did. Because He emptied me in many ways, and that's when He works.
Jesus also began to open my eyes to what is truly going on in the church in Karachaevsk. He showed me the ways in which they have it right, and the ways in which they don't. Same with my two churches here in Nashville. And it struck me that we can learn so much from each other. I firmly believe that the body of Christ needs more communication. God's church is not a building; it's all of His people. As someone who has experienced the power of connection with the Body all around the world, I can assure you that that's how it's supposed to be. We need to partner with one another and learn from each other and seek the Lord together. We need to ignore our doctrinal differences and start humbling ourselves to see each other clearly. And we need to get to know each other. How many of us know our Christian brothers and sisters in Asia, the Middle East, Africa? I don't have time to go into it now, but I am convinced that Fellowship's strengths are in areas where New Life is weak, and vice versa. We can be so enriched in our walk by communicating with each other.
There's so much more I could say but I'm probably about to get Carpal Tunnel from all this typing. I'll continue these thoughts soon. Thank you for your patience, and for hearing me out as I begin to articulate what has been happening in my heart the past 2 months. I have a feeling it is going to have ripples throughout my entire life...
Oh, and before I go, I want to show you who I am praying for today:
Sasha and Nadya and their boys, Ruvim and Vitalik. One of the sweetest families on the face of the earth!
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