Idle...and Blessed
I am so richly blessed.
It feels like school ended ages ago, even though it's only been 2 weeks. This summer so far has been restless for me, and I feel like I'm in a season of life I've never had to deal with before. Unlike the summers of high school, I am not nestled into the routine of four school years with two months of free time in between, living at home because that's the only place to live and just waiting for high school to end. There are too many variables and options now to think about things that way. Unlike the summer between high school and college, I am not preparing for the big lifestyle shift of moving out, bonding with old friends one last time, or reminiscing about my ending childhood. Unlike last summer, I am not packing, traveling, and spending months across the globe. This summer there is no definition, at least not one I have found yet.
That's not to say it's a bad thing, but I feel like there's nothing I'm working towards, nothing I'm accomplishing, no goal. And that's not really something I've felt before about a summer. It makes me feel like I've been waiting on God to tell me what to do a little TOO long, like I should have taken some action before now. Like maybe I missed what He said to do for the next three months. Like maybe He's not going to say anything at all.
I've been praying about Russia a lot. I've been praying about apartments and roommates a lot. I've been praying about how to handle my job now that it requires a 45 minute commute. I've been praying about what in the world God wants me to do with this time, but as I pray I see most of my friends GOING, DOING, TRAVELING, MINISTERING, INTERNING, and LIVING. So many of my closest friends are following God to the ends of the earth this summer, and I'm just not as good at sending as I am going.
It makes me just beg God for a commission. Like last summer. Even if the commission is to stay in Spring Hill and focus on reading Scripture, or focus on my writing, or on my family. Even if the commission means staying and not going, which is a hard pill for me to swallow admittedly, I would be so thrilled to follow through. It's just that in waiting around and praying for my commission, I feel left behind. I feel like I'm wasting time or not listening, because I've never gone into a summer with no idea what I'm supposed to do with it.
It probably seems like I'm reading too much into this summer thing. Like my expectations are too high, and I need to just settle down and work, save money, spend time with friends and family. Which is probably true. Somehow, though, I don't feel peace about that.
But I am so richly blessed, here and now.
In the past two weeks of my school-less, homework-less void, I have felt an enormous freedom and independence to be with my best friends and my family without stress or time constraints. I have actually caught up on my sleep for the first time in what feels like 5 years. I have started reading books. Running in the mornings. Sitting at the park with my Bible, coexisting with the cicadas (as long as they don't come into my personal space...). Driving down the back roads with my music turned up. Talking to Evan about what he wants to be when he grows up. Crashing on some of my best friends' couch for a couple nights. And tomorrow I'll get to see my little sister graduate from high school.
It's good, you know? Being able to live week to week, partially supported by your parents and yet able to be on your own. It's good to know I'll be signing a lease on an apartment soon, some way or another, and whatever happens this summer I know I'll be back at Belmont in August. Learning Russian and Greek and Hebrew, and talking about God every day in my classes. Which is the coolest thing ever.
"The safest place for you is where God wants you." - Meg
Yes, and although God wants Meg in Zambia this summer, maybe he's not going to tell me what he wants from me until he wants it. Maybe that's my challenge. To live one day at a time and not allow a sense of failure or restlessness to creep in if I'm not making grandiose plans. Maybe it's like in Pilates, when I work a muscle with less resistance in order to have better form and not overcompensate with something that doesn't need to work. My challenge is not to go up in resistance, but to go down. My challenge in life right now might be to do less, which is actually harder for me...
I got an email from Inna a couple days ago saying they would love for me to come to Karachaevsk again before Family Camp and help with Sunday School and the Youth program. She said there might be people at the church who would love English tutoring, too. So there is a door open for me to go a couple weeks before camp - essentially, I would be there for the month of July - just like last year except much shorter. And except not like last year at all, because I'm in such a different place, and I speak more Russian now too...but anyway.
My friend Jess has a huge heart for mission work and is looking for a way to serve somewhere in July. I've been brainstorming with her about what it would look like for her to go to Russia with me for those three weeks or so. Because we are in need of one or two more people on the Family Camp team anyway to help teach the kids. Wouldn't it just be amazing if God were to pull her heart to Russia in the same way he has pulled mine?
I am so richly blessed. To even have the door open to return there, whether for just a week or for longer. To even talk to others about joining me in the Lord's work there.
And yet, I am still waiting on God, because while going for just a week would be hard for me, it might be the challenge God is calling me to. It might be that he's asking me to take a chill pill and stop burning myself out. See Pilates metaphor.
At the risk of being cheesy, this whole post makes me think of the reason I titled my blog the way I did. Idle and blessed. Because I love going and doing things for the Kingdom, I love brainstorming about ways to help people and working with a team of people to spread God's love. I love mission work and global strategic partnerships and all of that stuff, but that's not the reason God created me. I mean, not when you get down to the root of it. He created me to love him. To be in a relationship with him. Which is to be blessed. It's a lifelong effort to remind myself that it is possible for me to be idle, much less idle and still blessed. I don't have to work for it, I don't have to look nice or act nice or even be nice to receive God's blessing. I simply have to be. I simply have to be his daughter. I trust the rest will follow.
It feels like school ended ages ago, even though it's only been 2 weeks. This summer so far has been restless for me, and I feel like I'm in a season of life I've never had to deal with before. Unlike the summers of high school, I am not nestled into the routine of four school years with two months of free time in between, living at home because that's the only place to live and just waiting for high school to end. There are too many variables and options now to think about things that way. Unlike the summer between high school and college, I am not preparing for the big lifestyle shift of moving out, bonding with old friends one last time, or reminiscing about my ending childhood. Unlike last summer, I am not packing, traveling, and spending months across the globe. This summer there is no definition, at least not one I have found yet.
That's not to say it's a bad thing, but I feel like there's nothing I'm working towards, nothing I'm accomplishing, no goal. And that's not really something I've felt before about a summer. It makes me feel like I've been waiting on God to tell me what to do a little TOO long, like I should have taken some action before now. Like maybe I missed what He said to do for the next three months. Like maybe He's not going to say anything at all.
I've been praying about Russia a lot. I've been praying about apartments and roommates a lot. I've been praying about how to handle my job now that it requires a 45 minute commute. I've been praying about what in the world God wants me to do with this time, but as I pray I see most of my friends GOING, DOING, TRAVELING, MINISTERING, INTERNING, and LIVING. So many of my closest friends are following God to the ends of the earth this summer, and I'm just not as good at sending as I am going.
It makes me just beg God for a commission. Like last summer. Even if the commission is to stay in Spring Hill and focus on reading Scripture, or focus on my writing, or on my family. Even if the commission means staying and not going, which is a hard pill for me to swallow admittedly, I would be so thrilled to follow through. It's just that in waiting around and praying for my commission, I feel left behind. I feel like I'm wasting time or not listening, because I've never gone into a summer with no idea what I'm supposed to do with it.
It probably seems like I'm reading too much into this summer thing. Like my expectations are too high, and I need to just settle down and work, save money, spend time with friends and family. Which is probably true. Somehow, though, I don't feel peace about that.
But I am so richly blessed, here and now.
In the past two weeks of my school-less, homework-less void, I have felt an enormous freedom and independence to be with my best friends and my family without stress or time constraints. I have actually caught up on my sleep for the first time in what feels like 5 years. I have started reading books. Running in the mornings. Sitting at the park with my Bible, coexisting with the cicadas (as long as they don't come into my personal space...). Driving down the back roads with my music turned up. Talking to Evan about what he wants to be when he grows up. Crashing on some of my best friends' couch for a couple nights. And tomorrow I'll get to see my little sister graduate from high school.
It's good, you know? Being able to live week to week, partially supported by your parents and yet able to be on your own. It's good to know I'll be signing a lease on an apartment soon, some way or another, and whatever happens this summer I know I'll be back at Belmont in August. Learning Russian and Greek and Hebrew, and talking about God every day in my classes. Which is the coolest thing ever.
"The safest place for you is where God wants you." - Meg
Yes, and although God wants Meg in Zambia this summer, maybe he's not going to tell me what he wants from me until he wants it. Maybe that's my challenge. To live one day at a time and not allow a sense of failure or restlessness to creep in if I'm not making grandiose plans. Maybe it's like in Pilates, when I work a muscle with less resistance in order to have better form and not overcompensate with something that doesn't need to work. My challenge is not to go up in resistance, but to go down. My challenge in life right now might be to do less, which is actually harder for me...
I got an email from Inna a couple days ago saying they would love for me to come to Karachaevsk again before Family Camp and help with Sunday School and the Youth program. She said there might be people at the church who would love English tutoring, too. So there is a door open for me to go a couple weeks before camp - essentially, I would be there for the month of July - just like last year except much shorter. And except not like last year at all, because I'm in such a different place, and I speak more Russian now too...but anyway.
My friend Jess has a huge heart for mission work and is looking for a way to serve somewhere in July. I've been brainstorming with her about what it would look like for her to go to Russia with me for those three weeks or so. Because we are in need of one or two more people on the Family Camp team anyway to help teach the kids. Wouldn't it just be amazing if God were to pull her heart to Russia in the same way he has pulled mine?
I am so richly blessed. To even have the door open to return there, whether for just a week or for longer. To even talk to others about joining me in the Lord's work there.
And yet, I am still waiting on God, because while going for just a week would be hard for me, it might be the challenge God is calling me to. It might be that he's asking me to take a chill pill and stop burning myself out. See Pilates metaphor.
At the risk of being cheesy, this whole post makes me think of the reason I titled my blog the way I did. Idle and blessed. Because I love going and doing things for the Kingdom, I love brainstorming about ways to help people and working with a team of people to spread God's love. I love mission work and global strategic partnerships and all of that stuff, but that's not the reason God created me. I mean, not when you get down to the root of it. He created me to love him. To be in a relationship with him. Which is to be blessed. It's a lifelong effort to remind myself that it is possible for me to be idle, much less idle and still blessed. I don't have to work for it, I don't have to look nice or act nice or even be nice to receive God's blessing. I simply have to be. I simply have to be his daughter. I trust the rest will follow.
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