Toward the Present
I'm sitting at Edgehill Cafe and feeling grateful for the sun's victory in poking out from behind the clouds this morning. This coffee shop has always been the site of good writing and praying and thinking for me. Today I'm distracted though.
For one, they started enforcing the 30 minute parking rule. So I'm staring out the window monitoring that situation, since I've been here about 1.5 hours. I risk it with parking tickets sometimes. I figure if that's my form of rebellion in life I'm doing really well.
Also, the guys at the table in front of me are talking about their love of vanilla peppermint lattes and chai tea lattes and Nashville. And I don't know, that just kind of fascinates me.
The truth is, I'm distracted in a lot of ways right now. I have a lot going on. I have four classes to keep up with. I'm working at Pure Barre. I'm President of the Christian Ethics Society, which is leading a couple of huge campaigns at Belmont this semester. I'm setting up an internship with the Director of Ethics at St. Thomas Health for this semester, and attending Ethics Board meetings. I'm finally done with Div School apps, but now I'm anxiously awaiting admission and scholarship decisions before I make my final decision by March 1. I started going to a new Bible study. I'm leading an Immersion Trip in March to Las Cruces, NM. I'm training for the marathon. Trying to start triathlon/Xterra season training which unfortunately means swimming. And mountain bike racing starts soon too.
A few different directions, here.
I feel like I'm finally truly in that season of life when you need to pray for discernment all the time. This season of life starts around age 20, for most of us, and lasts until death I think. So I'm new to it, but it's not going anywhere. I'm settling in with that prayer.
There are a lot of different ways we can make our lives go, a lot of different passions we can pursue, a lot of different sorts of people we can become. I hope I can start my adult life making good decisions about these things. I want to start out choosing integrity, humility, grace. I want to be the kind of person people confide in and trust. I guess it's just surprising me how many choices I can make every day that affect it. Maybe this is what adulthood consists of.
And I want to be the kind of person who doesn't drag the past along with her; who recognizes the present and differentiates it from the past. I don't mean to get cryptic all the sudden, I just think I have a tendency to hold on too long. Some people have the problem of too many ideas, too many things they want to do, too many futures to attend to. I tend toward the opposite. I get loyal to the small array of passions and loves I have, and have trouble detaching from them when they need to end.
Today I want to move to Croatia. No, not because it's the newest awesome idea I've had, but because I want to stay involved in Fellowship's Global Outreach, and I'm not doing anything with Russia trips right now. I've attached myself to Global Outreach in Eastern Europe. And I know it's not the season for Russia or Croatia, it's the season for graduating, and going to Divinity School. But I'm torn.
And it's not the season for Pilates or Pilates studios. It's the season for Pure Barre and training for endurance sports, and maybe someday I'll get certified in Pilates or help open a studio, but not today. Still, I'm torn.
I can at least say I love the things I am doing right now, the many directions I'm being pulled in. And for that I am grateful. I just hope the decisions I make as I move forward, day by day, take me toward the things I am called to, made for, joyful in. And not because they are in my past. Not because I loved them once and am dragging them along. Because they are my present, and I'm choosing them, and they are my bliss.
For one, they started enforcing the 30 minute parking rule. So I'm staring out the window monitoring that situation, since I've been here about 1.5 hours. I risk it with parking tickets sometimes. I figure if that's my form of rebellion in life I'm doing really well.
Also, the guys at the table in front of me are talking about their love of vanilla peppermint lattes and chai tea lattes and Nashville. And I don't know, that just kind of fascinates me.
The truth is, I'm distracted in a lot of ways right now. I have a lot going on. I have four classes to keep up with. I'm working at Pure Barre. I'm President of the Christian Ethics Society, which is leading a couple of huge campaigns at Belmont this semester. I'm setting up an internship with the Director of Ethics at St. Thomas Health for this semester, and attending Ethics Board meetings. I'm finally done with Div School apps, but now I'm anxiously awaiting admission and scholarship decisions before I make my final decision by March 1. I started going to a new Bible study. I'm leading an Immersion Trip in March to Las Cruces, NM. I'm training for the marathon. Trying to start triathlon/Xterra season training which unfortunately means swimming. And mountain bike racing starts soon too.
A few different directions, here.
I feel like I'm finally truly in that season of life when you need to pray for discernment all the time. This season of life starts around age 20, for most of us, and lasts until death I think. So I'm new to it, but it's not going anywhere. I'm settling in with that prayer.
There are a lot of different ways we can make our lives go, a lot of different passions we can pursue, a lot of different sorts of people we can become. I hope I can start my adult life making good decisions about these things. I want to start out choosing integrity, humility, grace. I want to be the kind of person people confide in and trust. I guess it's just surprising me how many choices I can make every day that affect it. Maybe this is what adulthood consists of.
And I want to be the kind of person who doesn't drag the past along with her; who recognizes the present and differentiates it from the past. I don't mean to get cryptic all the sudden, I just think I have a tendency to hold on too long. Some people have the problem of too many ideas, too many things they want to do, too many futures to attend to. I tend toward the opposite. I get loyal to the small array of passions and loves I have, and have trouble detaching from them when they need to end.
Today I want to move to Croatia. No, not because it's the newest awesome idea I've had, but because I want to stay involved in Fellowship's Global Outreach, and I'm not doing anything with Russia trips right now. I've attached myself to Global Outreach in Eastern Europe. And I know it's not the season for Russia or Croatia, it's the season for graduating, and going to Divinity School. But I'm torn.
And it's not the season for Pilates or Pilates studios. It's the season for Pure Barre and training for endurance sports, and maybe someday I'll get certified in Pilates or help open a studio, but not today. Still, I'm torn.
I can at least say I love the things I am doing right now, the many directions I'm being pulled in. And for that I am grateful. I just hope the decisions I make as I move forward, day by day, take me toward the things I am called to, made for, joyful in. And not because they are in my past. Not because I loved them once and am dragging them along. Because they are my present, and I'm choosing them, and they are my bliss.
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