The Summer Between
This is the summer between.
I'm not a college kid anymore. I had four beautiful years of growth, struggle, joy, and transformation. Those four years are over, but nothing has taken their place. I'm not a graduate student yet. There are three blank years ahead of me with nothing but potential written into them, and until I move to Atlanta, those years have not begun.
This is the summer between college and seminary.
I'm a marathoner. I ran the race that I had prepared for, and on a personal level it was one of the most fulfilling goals I have accomplished. But as I train for the rest of the season, I'm not running 50 miles a week. I'm cycling, swimming, mountain biking, trail running. Triathlons are up ahead, but they aren't here yet.
This is the summer between the marathon and new goals.
My heart is full of Russia. For the first time in 8 years I am not going there. A couple weeks ago I would have said I was following the Lord's leading by staying in the States this summer, but now I'm not so sure. I didn't really make the decision, at least not on purpose. I slid into it. I slid into graduation and enrollment at McAfee and knowing I had to move to a new city, and I slid right past the idea of stopping everything to go back to Karachaevsk. I didn't hear the Lord say, "go." I also didn't hear him say, "stay." I just didn't think it would work. I was being practical.
But the thing is, the closer I get to the day the team leaves Nashville, the more my heart is breaking because I don't want anything else for those weeks besides Russia. Call it habit, call it boredom, but there is literally a bent in my heart toward that place when summer rolls around. Every day I think about the sunflower fields. Every day I pray for the chance to see my families again. Every day I wonder why it isn't out of my system by now, after all the long flights and horrible skin allergies, language barriers and loneliness. After all the years of feeling inadequate, like even my best self had nothing to offer them. After dealing with bad plumbing, bad food, homesickness, no internet, and a culture I never quite understand. I wonder why 8 years isn't enough, why I keep dreaming about hugging the kids I love, why the struggle of living in Russia sounds more fulfilling than going to seminary this fall...
And I wonder if it's possible I simply slipped past God's will for me.
I mean, the rich young ruler did. He walked away from Jesus because he loved his stuff too much to give it away. And maybe he went on to live a great life, but he missed all the stuff Jesus had in store for him. What would've happened if he gave it up and followed Jesus that day?
Russia is in my veins. I'm not sure what would've been in store for me if I had chosen to go this summer. But maybe saying no is only useful because it's showing me how it feels to be away from the work and people my heart beats for. Maybe that's the lesson here. Or maybe there's more, I don't know.
All I know is that this is the summer between Russia and Russia, because I'm going back someday.
I'm not a college kid anymore. I had four beautiful years of growth, struggle, joy, and transformation. Those four years are over, but nothing has taken their place. I'm not a graduate student yet. There are three blank years ahead of me with nothing but potential written into them, and until I move to Atlanta, those years have not begun.
This is the summer between college and seminary.
I'm a marathoner. I ran the race that I had prepared for, and on a personal level it was one of the most fulfilling goals I have accomplished. But as I train for the rest of the season, I'm not running 50 miles a week. I'm cycling, swimming, mountain biking, trail running. Triathlons are up ahead, but they aren't here yet.
This is the summer between the marathon and new goals.
My heart is full of Russia. For the first time in 8 years I am not going there. A couple weeks ago I would have said I was following the Lord's leading by staying in the States this summer, but now I'm not so sure. I didn't really make the decision, at least not on purpose. I slid into it. I slid into graduation and enrollment at McAfee and knowing I had to move to a new city, and I slid right past the idea of stopping everything to go back to Karachaevsk. I didn't hear the Lord say, "go." I also didn't hear him say, "stay." I just didn't think it would work. I was being practical.
But the thing is, the closer I get to the day the team leaves Nashville, the more my heart is breaking because I don't want anything else for those weeks besides Russia. Call it habit, call it boredom, but there is literally a bent in my heart toward that place when summer rolls around. Every day I think about the sunflower fields. Every day I pray for the chance to see my families again. Every day I wonder why it isn't out of my system by now, after all the long flights and horrible skin allergies, language barriers and loneliness. After all the years of feeling inadequate, like even my best self had nothing to offer them. After dealing with bad plumbing, bad food, homesickness, no internet, and a culture I never quite understand. I wonder why 8 years isn't enough, why I keep dreaming about hugging the kids I love, why the struggle of living in Russia sounds more fulfilling than going to seminary this fall...
And I wonder if it's possible I simply slipped past God's will for me.
I mean, the rich young ruler did. He walked away from Jesus because he loved his stuff too much to give it away. And maybe he went on to live a great life, but he missed all the stuff Jesus had in store for him. What would've happened if he gave it up and followed Jesus that day?
Russia is in my veins. I'm not sure what would've been in store for me if I had chosen to go this summer. But maybe saying no is only useful because it's showing me how it feels to be away from the work and people my heart beats for. Maybe that's the lesson here. Or maybe there's more, I don't know.
All I know is that this is the summer between Russia and Russia, because I'm going back someday.
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