Being a Freeze Frame Person


I woke up today and realized finally the semester is over. I haven't taken a minute to let that sink in until today. One semester, fully completed. One sixth of this Master's degree.

It was easier than I expected in a lot of ways. A few of my classes were more basic than I was used to at Belmont. But the experience itself was such a valley, I hate to admit. It was tough. Will there ever be a day when I don't question if I'm where I want to be? Will there ever be a day when I don't want to start over with Plan B?

I'd like to be surrounded by people who really know me. That would be a good start.

I was reminded lately how few people in Atlanta know about my time in Russia and my hopes for that place. Of the things that have shaped me, Russia is nearly the top. But I think most of my friends here are under the impression all I do is study ethics and practice yoga.

What happens when no one around you fully knows you is that you feel like a freeze-frame person. A moment in time. You feel like that reflection of yourself you can see in their eyes, whatever it is. At work I feel like all I am is their problem solver, constantly running around making sure people can take yoga classes. As much as I believe in fitness, that's a really empty identity. At school, I'm the girl who likes ethics and can help you study for the exam. I do like ethics and I can help you, but that's not who I am either.

I try to live into these roles because I'm a perfectionist and also a people pleaser. But I can't give 100% to multiple roles. I can't give 100% to the studio. I fail daily at that. I can't give 100% to school. My grades unfortunately reflect that. I can't give 100% to running, to training, to yoga, to friends, to church, to God. Something always fails because I'm not 17 people, I'm just one, and there are only 24 hours in my days.

My professors don't know me well enough to know I work 25 hours, run/train 8 hours, and do yoga 5 hours every week. Most of my co-workers don't even know I am a full time graduate student. People at church don't know I love teaching kids, or that I'm kind of a writer, or that I like to travel. They all know what they see, and when I try to live up to their version of me instead of a whole person, I feel like a failure in every area.

I've been praying lately at the end of the day, right before I fall asleep, telling God I'm just not good enough. Not a fast enough runner, a good enough employee/manager, a good enough student or good enough friend. Definitely not good enough Christ follower. I don't think God is mad at me about it, but I'm mad at myself, and that feels almost as oppressive to me. Because I can't give 100% to all the areas of my life, and it's hard for me to enjoy them when I know I'm not succeeding at them.

God hasn't really said anything back yet about all of this. I'd like to think he's going to tell me to chill out and have a glass of wine, but it feels like he might say "try harder."

I guess we'll wait and see.

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