One O'clock In The Morning

Hail the heav'n-born Prince of Peace!

Hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and life to all He brings

Ris'n with healing in His wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth

Hark! The herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!"

It's my favorite carol this year. Born to raise the sons of Earth! Born to give them second birth! Knee bent before us, offering a life together more abundant than any dream we might treasure. Confession: I still treasure some.

I'm listening to London by Brandon Heath. I think I'm kicking and screaming in this London, fighting to be with my King and not injure myself running from Him. There's so much conflict. This I should expect, because the closer I lean into my King the more His enemy will hate me.

But "Denial seems to be the word that makes it all go away." I deny because I am so worried about protecting myself and protecting others, always. I filter everything through its potential to harm or heal, to a fault. I compromise honesty too often. I've been hurt too much to be oblivious to pain inflicted by others, to allow it. But in fighting against it, I'm fighting against life on this planet, and it's doing a lot more harm than good --- because I'm hurting people in a different way. And this denial of the truth does not fool my Love. He knows my heart is wayward and clings to things other than Him. Denying it and sugar-coating it does nothing besides...fly me to London.

I'm getting better, though. I wasn't cowering before the inevitable disappointment of the Christmas season in my home this year. I'm learning that the answer isn't to stop forming attachments to things, just to stop riding the wave of attachment to outcomes only possible in Heaven. Just when I think I'm overcoming my fear of disappointment, He sheds light on one more corner of my heart I was hiding from myself.

I'm comforted in the fact that I feel His absence so keenly. I'm comforted because I need to tell the truth so badly, like when I'm stuck behind a slow car that finally turns onto another road. I gun it. It's a thing I do, I dont know. It's that feeling you get when you lace up the shoes and put your hair up. Heart starts beating -- needing to run. Need to tell the truth...now.

So the truth is, I like them both. I wish I didn't, and I wish it didn't make me feel like I'm cheating on God. I wish S was a Christian because then I wouldn't have to keep telling my heart to back off. I wish I just didn't like B at all, since it's nearly impossible for it to end well. And I wish I could be honest with them both without "shocking the heart and stopping the world."

But since life usually isn't like what we wished it was, He's holding my hand through the fire. Isn't everything we do fueled by love or fear? I hope every day I'm rejecting more and more fear-action and embracing the love kind.