4 Days Ago...
...I was on the other side of the world. Doesn't it just blow your mind how quickly we can travel around our planet?
My body also thinks it's strange. Jet lag is killer.
But besides being tired and having a head cold, adjusting back to Nashville life has been very seamless. It's strange how things vary year to year so greatly in terms of how I handle re-entry. The first few years I felt a lot of guilt upon returning to my comparatively wealthy society. After that, I felt disdain for Americanism and discontent with our broken society, having been shown a non-Western view of the world and seeing the benefits of it. Last year I remember a mix of both, but mainly an overwhelmingly emotional adjustment because of missing my families and not knowing how to process my intense summer.
This year I feel a lot of peace about being home.
That's not to say I don't miss everyone, because I do, dearly. And it's not to say I don't see American excess very sharply having been away from it for a month. Of course all of those things are still true, but there's something about the current level of relationships I have with the people there and the level of comfortability I feel slipping into and out of their culture that makes another return trip less rocky.
Because I feel like I know them, really know them, and that being away from them and living here at home will not break that. Also, I feel like I spent all of my Sophomore year processing what it means to have lived in the Caucuses for a summer, and what it means to live in America, and how to continue to allow the Lord to shape me because of those things. This year, therefore, is less earth-shattering. And that's a good thing, I think. Because "less earth-shattering" does not mean "less important" or "less impactful." It just means I've been through the adjustment thing before and I understand myself and my situation a little more this time around.
And you want to know the other huge factor (I think) in the peace I feel?
I walked away from camp this year knowing I gave absolutely everything I had. I left being empty of everything. I know - for the first time - that THIS year I said and did and showed and smiled and gave everything I could and everything the Lord asked me to.
Which is not to say I was perfectly obedient, because sometimes He had to force me into doing those things, but I digress.
For the first time in 6 years I don't look back and remember times when I felt the Lord asking me to say something but I held back out of fear. There have always been times when I let the fear of failure in speaking/understanding Russian keep me from saying something I needed to say or talking to someone who needed attention. But the biggest miracle about this camp is that although it was the MOST difficult out of all of them (34 kids from birth to my age???), the Lord sustained my strength to get through each day, 7:30am to 12:30am or later. And He gifted me with the ability to understand and speak more Russian than I ever have been able to.
These things are not of me. I am well aware. Because I am weak and selfish, and usually camps like these wear me down and make me want to be alone. It was a gift of the Holy Spirit that I was able to leave on Saturday feeling POURED OUT. Leaving everything on the table. Relationships as deep and wide and I could possibly have developed them in three weeks. Because God developed them, not me.
One of the greatest joys for me at camp was translating. Michelle (and others) asked me to help with small conversations often, which made me feel useful and needed. And my Russian families knew how happy it made me to be able to translate for them, so if I was around, they would use me instead of our translators. I often could not finish the job, but I felt so honored to be occasionally entrusted with the biggest job at these camps: enabling communication across a very wide language burier. It is quite amazing and humbling to see the Lord work across that chasm. And starting to help in that process gave me a huge appreciation for the translators we have each year and the amazing work they do. It's an art form, really. (And being able to understand what they say when they translate is cool, because I'll tell you -- they add in more than we say in English!) Maybe one day God will entrust me with the ability to translate Russian for real.
I have so much more to say about camp. Disjointed thoughts mostly. About Larissa (the English teacher I mentioned in a previous post) and talking to her late into the night a few times. She was inspired by us, I think, and the work we go over there to do. And the teaching really struck her. She wants to study her English Bible and learn Biblical terms in order to translate for us next year. She has also been inspired to teach Russian to Americans over Skype. I can easily see how this camp started a journey of change for her, spiritually and vocationally.
Or about the Женский Чай, the Women's Tea, on Wednesday afternoon, and the tears and beautiful words there. That tea on Wednesday was a big part in turning a difficult week with the kids into the energy to keep going, because I finally got to see how important it was that these women have time without their children. It gave me purpose in my work. And it helped me understand what these camps mean to the women of New Life Church Karachaevsk.
Or about spending time with little Yessenia, who was born when I was there last summer - super preemie and super tiny. Now she looks like her dad, has feathery blonde hair, chubby cheeks, and a sweet smile. Olesya, her mom, trusted me with that preciousness and I was so honored to hold her every day. A little fragile, almost-walking, girly one-year-old. :)
Or about Nadya, and the hospital mix-up and how she could have gone to camp after all. But instead she was in Prokladny waiting for her postponed C-section, and I was missing her. I called her a few times. I was nervous at first that I would need a translator, because talking on the phone in Russian is hard for me. But we talked for a half hour or more, and it was so great. I haven't heard anything yet, but she should have had her baby on Monday of this week. Little Tatiana :)
And there is more. But I will be gracious and split it up into multiple posts so your eyes don't cross from staring at this screen for so long!
Thank you for your prayers. For reading my blog and thinking about me. For supporting me in this ministry in different capacities. You are the body of Christ enabling me to go!
God bless.
My body also thinks it's strange. Jet lag is killer.
But besides being tired and having a head cold, adjusting back to Nashville life has been very seamless. It's strange how things vary year to year so greatly in terms of how I handle re-entry. The first few years I felt a lot of guilt upon returning to my comparatively wealthy society. After that, I felt disdain for Americanism and discontent with our broken society, having been shown a non-Western view of the world and seeing the benefits of it. Last year I remember a mix of both, but mainly an overwhelmingly emotional adjustment because of missing my families and not knowing how to process my intense summer.
This year I feel a lot of peace about being home.
That's not to say I don't miss everyone, because I do, dearly. And it's not to say I don't see American excess very sharply having been away from it for a month. Of course all of those things are still true, but there's something about the current level of relationships I have with the people there and the level of comfortability I feel slipping into and out of their culture that makes another return trip less rocky.
Because I feel like I know them, really know them, and that being away from them and living here at home will not break that. Also, I feel like I spent all of my Sophomore year processing what it means to have lived in the Caucuses for a summer, and what it means to live in America, and how to continue to allow the Lord to shape me because of those things. This year, therefore, is less earth-shattering. And that's a good thing, I think. Because "less earth-shattering" does not mean "less important" or "less impactful." It just means I've been through the adjustment thing before and I understand myself and my situation a little more this time around.
And you want to know the other huge factor (I think) in the peace I feel?
I walked away from camp this year knowing I gave absolutely everything I had. I left being empty of everything. I know - for the first time - that THIS year I said and did and showed and smiled and gave everything I could and everything the Lord asked me to.
Which is not to say I was perfectly obedient, because sometimes He had to force me into doing those things, but I digress.
For the first time in 6 years I don't look back and remember times when I felt the Lord asking me to say something but I held back out of fear. There have always been times when I let the fear of failure in speaking/understanding Russian keep me from saying something I needed to say or talking to someone who needed attention. But the biggest miracle about this camp is that although it was the MOST difficult out of all of them (34 kids from birth to my age???), the Lord sustained my strength to get through each day, 7:30am to 12:30am or later. And He gifted me with the ability to understand and speak more Russian than I ever have been able to.
These things are not of me. I am well aware. Because I am weak and selfish, and usually camps like these wear me down and make me want to be alone. It was a gift of the Holy Spirit that I was able to leave on Saturday feeling POURED OUT. Leaving everything on the table. Relationships as deep and wide and I could possibly have developed them in three weeks. Because God developed them, not me.
One of the greatest joys for me at camp was translating. Michelle (and others) asked me to help with small conversations often, which made me feel useful and needed. And my Russian families knew how happy it made me to be able to translate for them, so if I was around, they would use me instead of our translators. I often could not finish the job, but I felt so honored to be occasionally entrusted with the biggest job at these camps: enabling communication across a very wide language burier. It is quite amazing and humbling to see the Lord work across that chasm. And starting to help in that process gave me a huge appreciation for the translators we have each year and the amazing work they do. It's an art form, really. (And being able to understand what they say when they translate is cool, because I'll tell you -- they add in more than we say in English!) Maybe one day God will entrust me with the ability to translate Russian for real.
I have so much more to say about camp. Disjointed thoughts mostly. About Larissa (the English teacher I mentioned in a previous post) and talking to her late into the night a few times. She was inspired by us, I think, and the work we go over there to do. And the teaching really struck her. She wants to study her English Bible and learn Biblical terms in order to translate for us next year. She has also been inspired to teach Russian to Americans over Skype. I can easily see how this camp started a journey of change for her, spiritually and vocationally.
Or about the Женский Чай, the Women's Tea, on Wednesday afternoon, and the tears and beautiful words there. That tea on Wednesday was a big part in turning a difficult week with the kids into the energy to keep going, because I finally got to see how important it was that these women have time without their children. It gave me purpose in my work. And it helped me understand what these camps mean to the women of New Life Church Karachaevsk.
Or about spending time with little Yessenia, who was born when I was there last summer - super preemie and super tiny. Now she looks like her dad, has feathery blonde hair, chubby cheeks, and a sweet smile. Olesya, her mom, trusted me with that preciousness and I was so honored to hold her every day. A little fragile, almost-walking, girly one-year-old. :)
Or about Nadya, and the hospital mix-up and how she could have gone to camp after all. But instead she was in Prokladny waiting for her postponed C-section, and I was missing her. I called her a few times. I was nervous at first that I would need a translator, because talking on the phone in Russian is hard for me. But we talked for a half hour or more, and it was so great. I haven't heard anything yet, but she should have had her baby on Monday of this week. Little Tatiana :)
And there is more. But I will be gracious and split it up into multiple posts so your eyes don't cross from staring at this screen for so long!
Thank you for your prayers. For reading my blog and thinking about me. For supporting me in this ministry in different capacities. You are the body of Christ enabling me to go!
God bless.
Jordan-As for me I truly look up to you as one of my role models, and yet you are a great friend who I have the honor of knowing. I believe that you truly understand the mission of "Go". There are somethings in this life that stick with you forever. For me I feel like you and your influence on me will stick. Because of you I hope to make my own journey to Russia. Hopefully you may give me some pointers as to what to expect.
ReplyDeleteAaron