An Essay I Wrote For a Class

One of my earliest memorable convictions about who I wanted to become surfaced when I was around 7. I remember laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, and promising myself I would be someone special. I wouldn’t be like those teenagers I knew. I would be a people person, sunny, devoted to the Lord, mature. It was a mental picture, not put into words, but I felt strong enough to remember it to this day.

Convictions like this one were common throughout my adolescence, but the frustrating thing is how they never culminate or resolve. At every stage of life my answers to the question “Who do I want to be?” simply evolve into something new. Am I the person I promised myself I’d be when I was 7? I don’t think I am, completely. I don’t think I ever will be, on this earth, and maybe that’s what frustrates me.

Because I like goals, I like measuring and accomplishing them, and I like reaching what I strive for. I like steps and checklists. But this idea of who I want to become is a not a goal, it’s a forever journey. It’s a gray area, a prayer, a constant internal question and answer, and thank God He’s not finished with me yet.

So what is my ideal today? “What do I want to be when I grow up?” has turned into “Who am I meant to be?” and “Who is God calling me to become?” which as a freshman in college is the million dollar question, precedented only by “What am I meant to do?” In actuality, I think the roles of these two main questions dominating my life right now should be reversed. Who I’m called to be is very different than what I’m called to do, and doing is inferior to being. How comforting that my Lord expects nothing more from me than my heart, from which all else in turn will flow. I wonder why it’s so much easier to know what I need to do than who I need to be. Maybe that’s just my goal-oriented personality talking.

In tackling the question of who I’m called to be, there are a few things I know for sure. For starters, I know I am meant to become like Christ. Keeping in mind my specific spiritual gifts, that means being encouraging, defending the weak, taking a firm stand on my convictions, being empathetic and hospitable, and coaching others in their journey. It means I’m called to be more patient, humble, generous, and joyful than I am. But detaching from my deeds, I am meant to simply be a woman after God’s own heart, mimicking His attributes. I am called to be apart from the world, called out from it, a “little Christ” in a foreign land. I want to be kind like Him, gentle and steadfast and holy like Him. I want to live in unity with Him and with others, as someone built and intended for community. I want to be a homemaker, an ethicist, a scholar, a wife, a mother, a friend, a mentor, a daughter. I want to love Him and desire Him above all else, finding my strength and identity in Him alone, forever. This is a tiny picture of the person I believe I am meant to be.

But from this, and I feel it as I type, springs something a little more beautiful than intention. Some of those attributes I listed are actually actions, two things tied closer than I realized before coming to Belmont. Because stemming from what God’s calling me to be is what He’s calling me to do, and that’s where the concept of vocation comes in.

I think vocation as a term implies more than a job. We’ve talked about this in class before, but when I think about it this way it all comes together. Vocation is the answer to the question “What am I called to do?” when it’s asked in response to “Who am I called to be?” If you divorce the two you get a job, but together you have a vocation. I want my vocation to answer both questions.

I believe I’m called to do lots of things. Right now I’m called to be a student, but in the future I feel called to international missions, ethics, medical and bioethics, and theology. Because I know I’m called to be a voice for the silent, I feel called to ethics, maybe bioethics (which completely fascinated me and sets me on fire). Because I know I’m gifted to be an encourager, I feel called to international missions. I’m not an evangelist by nature, but I feel fulfilled doing mission work that invests in a people group, lives life alongside them, and exhorts them in their spiritual journeys. Because I know I’m meant to be an intelligent studier of my God, I feel called to theology. I’m strongly convicted about theology and find comfort, joy, consistency, and gratefulness in it. I am so privileged to be able to study theology and doctrine at Belmont.

See, it’s all interconnected. My passions, my gifts, my callings, my being and doing, they’re all in this continuing give-and-take circle that’s never resolved. I’m never exactly the person I’m called to be, because I’m always called to grow. But I can grow, I can expand and develop and discover in this gray area knowing God has it all under control. It’s never been about me in the past, and it’s never going to be in the future. I need to stop trying to check the boxes and say I’m done. It’s not a goal, but a journey. My vocation may not be “discovered” one day and be true for the rest of my life; it may ebb and flow into something new sometimes, but I know the Lord knows me. He will always match who I am to what I should do. Why do I not trust Him?