Confession of Chaos

Anna says its the anger phase.

Why, yes, I guess I can see that. After being angry at every human I've talked to in the past month, I guess it's safe to say I'm in an anger phase.

It's not hard for me to see how I got here. I used to think rage was dangerous, damaging, wrong. For some reason it's ingrained in me to suppress rage (And as with most things, I point to my childhood to explain this). I've always thought that if I show anger, I'll ruin relationships, close people off, cause undue tension. I've always thought accepting things and taking the brunt of life's blows was the honorable thing to do. But it's okay to be angry. It's okay to feel wronged. I have a right to be upset when the world doesn't go as it should -- God's angry about that too. And even if what I'm feeling is wrong, it's not wrong to admit it, to feel it, to sit in it. Slowly the Lord will change my heart, but not until I acknowledge what's in it.

And ever since realizing these things, eighteen years of anger have been boiling over. Rage at everyone and everything, every situation. Money, school, boys, family, future, past, present. I scream in my car a lot. I curse a lot. I rebel a lot. I long to do things I've always been too responsible to do. I long to drive 100 mph. I long to act eighteen.

But in reality, I must work with what I'm dealt. Complete independence shoves me into adulthood. I'm going job hunting today. I'm going to be the chauffeur when my mother's at work. I'm going to clean the kitchen. I'm going to study my Greek. I'm going to act 45. Internally, I feel rage about this. I feel rage because life isn't fair, and I shouldn't have to act like I'm fine with that. I don't deserve this.

I guess that's what all this is about really. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to have as much responsibility as I do. I don't deserve to have the family I have. I don't deserve to be left out by my friends. I don't deserve to have to tell someone I love goodbye. So I'm not as accepting as I used to be. I pray God will change my heart to be more selfless, but right now I'm going to start being honest about how I feel.

So Lord, I'm angry.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 7, 2010 at 12:07 PM

    I can relate to this post so much. I used to be a suppressed angry teenager too, especially during my 13-16 age. The great thing is that being angry isn't/doesn't have to be permanent. You can find a way out of anger, but it takes a lot of work and soul searching. I really delved deeper into what made me angry, began to find the things that made me happy, realize that there were situations I couldn't control, and adapted to situations I could control. If you have hope and work at the anger daily, it will go away or, at least, get better. =D

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  2. JordanJanuary 10, 2010 at 8:58 PM

    Katy, thank you SO much for the encouragement :) I have been really allowing myself to feel my emotions lately, and it's a hard but necessary thing. But I am challenged by the fact that God is slow to anger, and in my journey of becoming like him, I must strive for that as well. Thanks again :)

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